So the other night I had a dream right before I woke up; we had gotten a new futon. I had wanted a new futon for many reasons (in real life that is). The old futon was as thin as George W's vocabulary, and as uncomfortable as Pat Buchanan at a Black Panther meeting. This thing had more stains on it than a Sherwin Williams model deck. It was older than Bob Dole. Now many of you may be thinking that I'm lobbying for Dennis Miller's job right now, or at the very least a gig as a political Rodney Dangerfield. Nay. I'm simply describing my piece of shit futon, and why my dreams are that of getting a new one. When I woke up this morning Micah walked into my room and plopped down on the bed next to me. "I got a new futon," he said. "What?" I asked, unsure if I was still dreaming. "Last night, I got a new futon." "No you didn't." "Well, see, Chris and I were drunk, and I was showing Chris the model apartment in Dennis' building, and the door was unlocked." You can fill in the rest from there. "It's sitting in the middle of the office," he said. So I got out of bed, walking into the office, and there, laying on the floor was a huge new futon that had, only hours before, been sitting in a model apartment. I was appaled at the level my brother had stuped to yet....it was a new futon! The W thin! The Buchanan discomfort! The Sherwin stains! All gone! We took the new futon and put it on the frame, and for the first time in...God knows how long, enjoyed TV in peace and comfort. I have clearly packed up my morals and values into a moving box and shipped them 3rd class to Abu Dhabi. ...Sigh. Gay Pride Parade news tomorrow, PLUS an extention on your lists, since I've only received TWO! You people make me sick!

So the other night I went out to a poetry reading (how very beatnik of me, eh?) that my aunt was in. She had sent her poem in (one of many in her published book of poetry, A Moment Changes Everything - order your copy by sending an e-mail to sharethejourney@aol.com) amid hundreds of others, and had gotten chosen as one of the 25 finalists who would read that night. After several rounds of poetry hosted by "Mario" (a man who wouldn't have done well hosting a Tupperware party, let alone a poetry competition) the 5 finalist were announced, and Carla (my aunt) was one of them. And although she wasn't the winner of the contest she'll always be a winner in my heart. ...However, my heart cannot award the $500 prize that the contest gave out to the winner, but my heart can give love...sometimes.

The other highlight of that night was the bathroom at the Guild Complex where the competition was held. It was a tiny one person bathroom which I entered, and quickly realized came with a door that wouldn't lock. At first I found this impossible to believe, and tried locking it several times. No luck. I then had to come to terms with, "Well, maybe I can HOLD the door with one hand, and kinda...pivot...and...well..." So this is what I was forced to do. And let me tell you, this is not an easy task my friends. It made me quite nervous. SO nervous in fact that it was hard to go to the bathroom, but I finally got started; unfortunatly in that instant someone tried to open the door. Luckily I hadn't let up my grip on the doorknob, and I kept it closed, but I was frightened to start peeing again. Luckily I got zipped up without further incident.

P.S. People....send in your lists! I've gotta move this carton of milk and phone cord, and I've got to move them now!

So y'know how people supposedly always make these lists of great things they want to acomplish in their lifetimes before they die (or at least before they become human veggies hooked up to big machines and are forced to get sponge baths by Jamacan women)? Well...I have two parts to follow up that statement/question. 1) Here, for your enjoyment (or not) is my list of things I DON'T ever want to do in my lifetime.
1. Get a nickname in quotes (e.g. Josh "The Kicker" Eisenberg)
2. Learn another language
3. Have someone say to me, "Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you look like Richard Simmons?"
4. Read 'War and Peace'
5. Make a dumbass list like this!

And now, part 2! ...and this includes audience participation! I want you to mail in your lists of things you want to do in your lifetime (or NOT do in your lifetime) and the best (and/or worst ones) will be published here next Monday the 1st for everyone to enjoy. So wipe the dust off those old lists you wrote when you were 21 and mail them in to me at Primerboy5@aol.com And, as if seeing your list up here on my site isn't reward enough, the person with the best list (judged by my idea of "best" of course) will win a carton of milk and a telephone cord. That's right...dairy and phone wire! So send in your entires by Sunday the 30th... times a wastin!

Two things I did today where I stopped and realized, "Oh jeez, I'm a loser."
1. I was walking down the street, and it was very muggy, so I pulled out one of those Japanese fan things and started fanning myself, and then realized, "I probably look like some some southern girl at a debutant ball." I quickly stopped.
...and 2. I was at the gym, walking along, when George Michael came on the radio, and I kinda started bopping along to it. Again, I quickly stopped myself.

The "For Rent" sign on the front door has finally come down, and into the vacant apartment has moved Ray, whom my brother and I suspect is gay. He has bleached blonde hair, "homosexual" frames for his glasses, and he stars in his own one man show. He'd make a very odd straight man (sexual preference wise, not in terms of a comedy duo).

I have come to the conclusion that my brother and I would be prime candidates for a Disney Channel Original Movie much like that one about those two sisters who are completely different, when one night one wishes upon a star that she could be the other one and - BAM! - the next morning they wake up having switched bodies. I could learn a lesson about going out and actually doing stuff, and Micah could learn a lesson about staying home and not having his picture in the dictionary under the word extrovert. And in the end we'll both have a better understanding of each other, and learn to love each other more. But alas, I doubt that Disney Channel Original Movie will ever come to be. ...And I promise I won't write any more blogs about my brother for a while. ...Unless I'm really short on material.

Very odd little thing: I woke up this morning, and found Micah on the computer. I said, "I had a dream we moved last night, and we ended up living with Amish people, but you liked it because you said it took a mile off your commute to work." He looked at me and said, "I had a dream last night that we moved, and it was to a bungalow a few blocks away, and it had a pool and was like Key West with a lot of pastel colors." We both stared at each other for a few seconds, and it was odd, and then I went and got some cerial.