So tonight my brother's boyfriend calls...

Me: Hello?
Paul: Hey beautiful!
Me: Um, what's up?
Paul: Not much, what are you up to?
Me: Um, not too much.
Paul: Wait...is this...
Me: laughter
Paul: Oh jeez.
Me: Well at least you didn't say anything really obscene.
Paul: And I was thinking about it to!
Me: Yeah, that's too bad.

As some of you may or may not know, my brother drives one of the new Beetles. That, of course being a Volkswagen, entitles him to the Volkswagen DriverGear catalog. This is the saddest catalog on the planet, reserved only for people who treat their cars better than their children. Here, some of the things you can order from it:

-A Warning Triangle, Safety Vest, and Life Hammer ($48.95, pg. 23). In case you get the urge to join a highway rescue team suddenly...and want the VW logo on your gear!

-Floor mats with the name of your car on them (Jetta, Cabrio, Passat)($71.30, pg. 24) This may come in handy when you get drunk, go home with someone, wake up in their Volkswagen, and are put in the awkward situation of not knowing what model you're in. Simply just look down.

-Gift Certificate to VW DriverGear catalog ($10, $25, $50 and $100, pg. 35). When you really want to convey the message that, "I don't know you. At all!"

-Plaid VW Boxer Shorts ($14, pg. 36). So you can have your car logo near your cock all day long!

-VW Logo Women's Silk Scarf ($37, pg. 39). Throw caution to your last remaining shred of style! Go ahead, ignore the pointing and laughing.

-VW Logo Bib ($16, pg. 49). ...As in, for your infant. So you can instill a fucked up sense of values in them from an early age.

-VW Logo Umbrella ($22, pg. 55). Bumper sticker stating, "My other umbrella is a Mercedes," sold separately.

-VW Logo Pet Leash($45, pg. 57). (when you don't actually have pets, can be used in Volkswagen bondage foreplay)

So I don't think I blogged about this, but at the end of last month, on the last day that I was able to register to vote I recieved a message on my phone. "Josh, this is your aunt. I was calling because today is the last day that you can register and still be able to vote in the upcoming election. And what kind of a relative would I be if I didn't remind you of this?" Not a very good one! So anyway, by that point it was almost 7 at night, and I ended up running all over the place (Jewel, the library, my Alderman's office, the community center) looking for somewhere to vote. In the end I was informed that City Hall was open until midnight because it was the last day to vote, and they'd be registering people. So I went down there, got it taken care of, and a sigh of relief was breathed by all. Anyway...today I finally got my voter registration card in the mail, and the name on it is...Joshua David Eisenbery. Evidently I didn't close the top of my lower case G enough, and they interpreted it as a Y. How this entire saga will finally end..it's anyones guess.

My first computer was a mac, and then when I was about 12 I wanted my own computer. My dad said he'd buy me one, but only if it was a windows PC. Why did he do this? Who the heck knows. Why did I go along with it? I was 12, I wanted a computer. If Hitler offered it to me I would have taken it (Mom, I'm kidding). So now, I'm happy to say, that after many long years away it feels as if, well...as if I'm getting back to my roots. I've kept hope alive! And soon I will be justly rewarded. Of course, not all my friends are fond of my computer choice.

Brett: You wanna live in the city, you wanna drop out of school, you wanna be gay, you wanna not watch sports - this is all fine, and wonderful, and what makes you Josh. But this...this I cannot accept.
Me: ...I'm not gay. Why is that in there?
Brett: Well it's a possibility.
Me: No it's not.
Brett: Anyway, the point is, you can't get one. It's like it has a mind of it's own! Macs...macs are like cats Josh.
Me: Oh I can't wait to hear this.
Brett: Other computers: dogs. Man's best friend. But a mac...it prowls around, it likes to be alone, it doesn't want you to help it run programs or load drivers or anything.
Me: Yeah, my cat hates to help me load drivers.
Brett: Yes.
Me: But see, I'm more of a cat person. You know that.
Brett: That doesn't make it right josh

Do you ever sit around and wonder what ever happened to certain people you went to school with? Well a friend of mine at the library did...and then she found out. The "found out" in this situation happens to be a guy named Travis Freshner, and in her college alumni newsletter Travis (or as he's better known, T-Fresh...no really, I'm not making that up), told of how he had just returned from a summer tour with Bjork, and his engagement to actress Eliza Dushku, from such films as Bring It On, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back, and the Buffy TV show. Ah T-Fresh...what a long way you've come.

And women want this guy? As the new season of ABC's The Bachelor continues (and while I still have never watched a single episode), I wonder what the heck kind of show they're running over there. In an interview the guy - Aaron! - describes his perfect woman as someone who, "during the day she can put on a ball cap...drink beer. And in the evening...be just drop-dead gorgeous. I think that, of course, long legs and a big chest are sexy...(long pause...wait for it!..wait for it!)...but I think intelligence is sexier." Sure you do fella. He goes on to describe his bed (the kind of pillows he has, the kind of sheets he likes, etc.), his favorite movie (Top Gun. Heck, he probably forces his friends to call him Ice Man), and when asked if he's ready for marriage (after a first failed engagement), he says, "Yeah, sure. I'm ready." I think Dalton Ross from Entertainment Weekly sums it up best when he says, "Apparently, after two exhaustive nationwide searches, the folks at ABC have discovered it isn't possible in this day and age to find a bachelor who is not a complete tool." Indeed Dalton, indeed.

Alanis: Take note!

So if this isn't irony, I don't know what is. I'm at the Apple website because, honestly, I want an iMac and I want it bad. So I'm reading the stories and watching all the ads they have there in their Switch section about real people who switched from Windows to Mac. And as I'm doing this the Blue Screen of Death comes up (fatal error, blah, blah, blah!) My computer is trying to sabotage me. Now I'm afraid that it knows I want to get rid of it. This is not a pleasant situation.

In my continuation of lists of things that are real - though understandably sound fake - I now give you the worst names of towns in the United States. And yes, these too are real, and were found on Mapquest.com.

-Crappo, MD
-Stupid Creek, OR
-Bad Wound, SD
-Ugly Mountain, WV
-Lame Deer, MT
-Chubby Island, TX
-Smelley, AL (yes, that's the spelling)
-Boogertown, NC
-Pussys Pond, NY
-Dildo Key, KL (I wish I was making that one up)
-Wounded Knee, SD
-Deadly, OR
-Horny Head Creek, TN
-Screw Creek, MT

Here, for you enjoyment (...or not), is a list of actual books. I found these at Barnes & Noble.com. Honestly...I'm not making these up. Really.

-Slappy's Nightmare
-God Uses Cracked Pots
-I Don't Have Any Paper So Shut Up
-Bellybuttons Are Navels
-Captain Cupid Calls The Shots
-I Love You Stinky Face
-Stop Female Genital Mutilation
-Saved By Soup
-Why Do White People Smell Like Dogs When They Come Out Of The Rain?
-Someone Is Buying The Zoo
-Jews From Outter Space
-Mauve: How One Man Invented A Color That Changed The World

Today I'm going to start what I hope to be a usual Sunday night thing: A review of shows for the upcoming week. A guide on what to watch, as written by Dalton Ross (that's right, I'm stealing this, it's not mine...but I AM providing the service to you, so that's gotta count for something, right? Perhaps towards my community service?)

Monday, October 14
Hollywood Squares (Syndicated) Okay, let me get this straight: Sammy Hagar, Arsenio Hall, and Carrot Top - all on the same show?!?
Second City Presents...With Bill Zehme (Bravo, 8-10pm) Bravo's newest talk show bills itself as an "exploration into the minds of great artists," which doesn?t really explain why the first installment features a sit-down with Jim Belushi.

Tuesday, October 15
Gilmore Girls (WB, 7-8pm) Lorelai and Luke go to career day, while Lane dyes her hair. All brought to you by the letter L.
Frasier (NBC, 8-8:30pm) Frasier finds himself unable to entertain Roz's party-crazy cousin. Of course, anyone remotely familiar with Kelsey Grammer's past indiscretions may find that a bit hard to believe.
Best Damn Sports Show Period (Fox Sports, 9-10pm) You know what? It's just not.

Wednesday, October 16
The Amazing Race 3 (CBS, 7-8pm) Have you noticed in the show intro how twins Derek and Drew imitate the volleyball high-five scene from Top Gun? How sweet is that?
Ed (NBC, 7-8pm) We know what comes to mind when you hear the word jitterbug - "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." But Ed better have his mind on his feet when he enters a jitterbug contest.
The Twilight Zone (UPN, 8-9pm) Pick a Culkin. Any Culkin. Rory guest-stars here.

Thursday, October 17
Survivor: Thailand (CBS, 7-8pm) I love how they just let that skater idiot Robb strangle a guy twice his age and half his height. Survivor, indeed.
ER (NBC, 9-10pm) I don't know, but I have just never been able to get into hospital shows. Maybe it's because after a hard day of work - okay, who am I kidding, lets just say after a day of work - the last thing I want to hear about is Alzheimer's and kidney failure, two off the ailments starring this evening.

Friday, October 18
Hack (CBS, 8-9pm) Olshansky gets pinched for assault, but truth be told, the only reason we're writing this show up is because we just like saying the word hack. Go ahead, try it. You'll feel good.
That Was Then (ABC, 8-9pm) According to a guy named Nielsen, I'm the only person in America currently watching this late-80's-based drama. On the plus side, if they cancel it, I can stop being such a loser. In fact, it's probably already been axed.
Monk (USA, 9-10pm) Director Gary Marshall guest-stars in the season finale, and I have a sneaky suspicion that that little nugget of information will have you sprinting for the set.
Music Behind Bars (VH1, 9-9:30) The way I figure it, you can spend you time in prison either rocking out or being someone's bee-yotch. VH1's new series follows some jailbirds who sing.

Saturday, October 19
The Sixth Sense (ABC, 7-10pm) It took me two or three viewings to realize that Bruce Willis had just been shot by a New Kid on the Block.

Sunday, October 20
Boomtown (NBC, 9-10pm) Donnie Wahlberg sits around and reminisces about the time he shot Bruce Willis.
Theater of Blood (TCM, 7-9pm) The handsome, charismatic, riveting, resourceful, and, above all else, punctual Vincent Price plays an actor who murders his critics.
Emeril Live: Halloween Sweets (Food Network, 7-8pm) Emeril bams! the bogeyman with delicious Halloween treats. The bogeyman responds by kicking Emeril's ass.
Nature: Horse and Rider (PBS, 7-8pm) Apparently, whispering helps.
Young, Sexy & Royal (WE, 9-10pm) Well, I don't like to brag...
Dancing at the Harvest Moon (CBS, 8-10pm) Welcome to the Dollhouse's Eric Mabius falls in love with Jacqueline Bisset. Valerie Harper also stars, but gets no such love.

Scene: Sunday night. Micah sticks his head into the livingroom.
Micah: Hey, call me a cab.
Me: Okay, fine. You're a cab.

Today: two things...

1) Lately I've enjoyed giving a fake name when ordering smoothies at Jamba Juice after they take my order and ask, "Name?" I've given names like Jake, Alex, Ryan, and I just love hearing the woman who hands me my smoothie go, "Here you go Ryan," or "Thanks a lot Jake, have a good day." It's the little things.

2) Today it absolutely poured outside, and I found myself caught right in the prime of it during my lunchbreak. So currenly I am writing to you from work (post-lunchbreak) wearing my gym shorts, an Art Institute sweatshirt, and black socks from the desk drawer of the Director of Readers Services. I look as if I'm about to take a jog, or go to a slumber party. As expected, co-workers have pointed and laughed.