Today, two stories of people I just don't understand.

1. I was walking down the street the other night, occasionally glancing into houses with lights on. In one house I looked into there was a large color photo of Tom Selleck (around circa 1989) hanging on the wall. I'm not sure if I want to know what goes on in that house.

2. In a customer review of the Radiohead album OK Computer at Amazon.com one man writes, "You can rave about this CD all you want, but the truth is this: both Radiohead and "OK Computer" are overrated. People who aren't smart but want to appear cutting edge and intelligent will say they like this CD (when deep down they don't). But the fact is that this CD is tuneless pop with no dance songs. I'd skip this and get "Greatest" by Duran Duran, who are WAY better and more interesting than Radiohead."

Now I like both groups, but comparing Radiohead to Duran Duran is like saying, "I like mustard so much better than my sofa!" It just doesn't make sense.

Scene: Bern and I at being seated at a restaurant.

Hostess: Two? Smoking or non?
Us: Non.
Hostess: Right this way.
As we follow her Bernadette sends several glances my way.
Bernadette: She was cute.
Me: Eh, she was alright.
Bernadette: She had a great ass.
Me: Yeah, but I didn't really like her face.
Bernadette: So?
Me: So that matters.
Bernadette: Why?
Me: Cause, I'm gonna be looking at the face a lot more than the ass.
Bernadette: Well, with an ass like that, I don't know.
Me: ...True
Bernadette: (adopting a Cary Grant-esque smooth guy voice) Hey baby, just turn around and stay like that for a while. Let me see that ass!

Because you exclaim, "Lovely Jubbly!" every time you score a great parking space; because you describe the girl who lives next door as "bootylicious;" because you consider yourself a "cyberslacker"...the Oxford dictionary has heard your calls, and all these words (and many others including Bada Bing, Muggle, SARS, and Boy Band) have been inducted into the dictionary. The dictionary's publishers say words are only included if they are well-known and have proven they can pass the test of time. Yeah, okay, but Lovely Jubbly?!

Do you love your pinball machine, but constantly wonder about how it works? Of course you don't. But I'm sure some losers out there do, and for them there's www.howstuffworks.com. Besides finding out how a pinball machine works, you can learn the working secrets behind bone china, doorbells, that crazy wall-mounted singing fish, stun guns, state dinners, the Amish, and also what happens if you shoot a television (including a nifty video). They also explain how Friday the 13th works (um...it's a day? Is there more to it?), and how the fear of Friday the 13th has the clinical term paraskevidekatriaphobia. And if you're really into this kind of stuff, they explain how a flying car might one day work (along with a little shpiel about inventors of past flying cars, and the little tidbit that a handfull of these men died trying to fly in their cars). Did I mention the video of the guy shooting the TV?

And more proof that people in the midwest have no culture (you hobos!)...an Indiana man with Michelangelo's nude "David" sculpture in his yard got complaints from his neighbors and was forced to put a sheet over the statues privates. "I've had a topless mermaid in my pond for two years that no one has said one thing about!" the man said in a statement to the press. No news yet as to whether any of the man's neighbors include John Ashcroft. ...Hobos!

If you heard of something really stupid called "Who Want To Marry My Daughter" you're not looking in TV Guide, you're looking at Donna Wood's front lawn. Or at like....CNN.com reading the article. Or just here reading this I guess. Anyway, Wood, who says that her daughter has made some horrible choices in men over the years, was inspired by reality TV to plan a contest to find men to marry her daughter. This Sunday she'll screen applicants (which must have an essay and a headshot), and then her, her husband, and two friends will make a choice. And what will the winners get Bob? Well Jonny, they'll win a romantic night at the Cuddle and Bubble motel in Cape Cod, complete with an in-room Jacuzzi and a heart-shaped bed. Beat that FOX!

You know you and your roomate have hectic schedules when you find out they're taking a vacation through your e-mail. I got an e-mail from Yahoo confirming Bernadette's flight information (even Yahoo knew before me!), which basically gave me an overview of her trip. It also told me some flight-safety information (so I know she'll be safe), telling me that only ticketed passengers will be let on the plane, bags may be searched, and no knives of any kind will be allowed on the plane. But what if I really need to whittle! C'mon! It calms me when I fly! Damnit!

Scene: Me at the Dunkin Donuts at Diversy and Halstead, trying my best to order a smoothie.
Me: I'll have a strawberry banana smoothie.
Clueless Employee: We're out of bananas.
Me: Okay, then I guess I'll just have a strawberry smoothie.
CE: Okay. She then goes to a fridge, opens it up, and then comes back to me. We're actually out of strawberry mix too.
Me: Okay, so what do you have?
CE: Wildberry?
Me: Doesn't leave me with a lot of options, does it?
CE: Clueless look.
Me: I'll just take the wildberry.
Then, after she had made the smoothie and was bringing it to me, another woman working there pulled her aside and I heard their conversation go:
CE #2: What's todays date?
CE #1: The 17th, why?
CE #2: I think this milk is expired.
CE #1: Hmmm.

Yeah, I'll be going back there real soon.

When I was growing up my mom's office was in our house. As a chiropractor, this means patients were coming and going, morning, noon, and occasionally night, about 3-4 days a week. This being the case, there were several situations where I felt...less than comfortable. If I woke up and wanted to walk downstairs in my boxers to get some cereal I might not have been able to. Or if I wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV in my PJs it could have not happened, because of people coming and going. Since living with Micah, and now Bernadette, obviously neither of them are bringing people in all the time (well...Micah kinda did), but occasionally when they have guests over I still get pings of what I felt when I was growing up and people were over. And that's why I don't think I'll ever get what I completely "need" until I get my own place. I'm talking about leaving dirty dishes out, chain-smoking, having three TVs on playing three different CNNs, music turned up loud, screaming "potatoes" at the top of my lungs, walking around completely naked, doing Jell-O shots, and playing air guitar, any time I want to, day or night. Then, and only then, will I be truly happy. Sure, you may suggest that I can do this when Bernadette is out running errands, but it's not quite the same. Leaving dirty dishes out, chain-smoking, having three TVs on playing three different CNNs, music turned up loud, screaming "potatoes" at the top of my lungs, walking around completely naked, doing Jell-O shots, and playing air guitar on a schedule...not quite the same.