Today Korwitts and I had a moment, as if we were on our own reality show where we were both rich and stupid.

Korwitts: So would you be interested in getting some Peruvian food?
Me: I don't even know where Peruvia is.

Last night I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed that I got a new cell phone that had perfect service. Four bars in every room of the house! It was a superb feeling. I woke up in a great mood. You know, I'm a simple man...

This is a story about a friend of mine (and when I say that it isn't my way of talking about myself but trying to pretend I'm not).

The other night after a lovely date she went back to her apartment with the guy and the two ended up just sitting around talking. At this point it was about 4:30 in the morning and my friend asked the guy to put on some music. So he shifts though her CDs and puts on Daft Punk, and the soundtracks to Trainspotting and Kill Bill. Now I don't know about you, but those albums don't exactly scream 4:30 am end-of-date to me. So, for your review, I present my top 5 4:30 am end-of-date albums (in no particular order):

1. Nina Simone - The Ultimate Nina Simone
2. Jeff Buckley - Grace
3. Fiona Apple - Tidal
4. David Gray - Babylon
5. John Mayer - Inside Wants Out

A few years ago I was watching Letterman one night and Martha Stewart was going to be on the show. He held up a special baby edition of her magazine and misread the title of Baby 2000 as Baby Zoo. Dave had a good laugh, but now I'm wondering what would really be worse for Martha's image: her whole stock market scandal, or running an illegal zoo of toddlers? Baby Zoo indeed.

I was listening to Whad'Ya Know? this morning on NPR, and one of the questions callers had to answer to make it into the Whad'Ya Know Quiz was "The average little white cloud weighs as much as how many elephants?"* When one man called in and said that it couldn't be too heavy host Michael Feldman said, "No, it could crush you." There was a pause and then the caller said, "Well shoot."

*The correct answer was 100 elephants.

As some of you know, singer/songwriter/car dweller Jewel wrote a book of poetry a few years back (A Night Without Armor: Poems, HarperCollins 1999). Here, for your enjoyment, a segment from a 1999 MTV interview between Jewel, Kurt Loder, and a spelling error (and yes, this is all true and actually aired).

LODER: There's a line you have,'There are nightmares on the sidewalks/there are jokes on TV/ there are people selling thoughtlessness with such casualty.' Casualty doesn't mean that, does it? Casualty's like a guy gets his arm blown off. I mean isn't that...
JEWEL: That's a type of casualty.
LODER: What?
JEWEL: It's a type of casualty that ...
LODER: No, really. I thought you were trying to say casualness.
JEWEL: No, casualty.
LODER: Oh, OK. All right. Are you a tech person? Do you take computers on the road, do you log on, e-mail?
JEWEL: No, I'm a bit archaic. I mean, I still write everything by hand. It's quite archaic.
LODER: Wow.
JEWEL: It is wow. I'm dyslexic as heck. I mean, I just can't type well.
LODER: Really? That'd be a problem for a writer.
JEWEL: It is a bit of problem. I mean, putting the book together. Everything was done by hand. I had to recopy it legibly to get it...
LODER: That explains casualty probably.

Kurt Loder is an asshole to Jewel and for some reason I cannot help myself.

A friend of mine has recently told me that I should move out to Los Angeles (where she lives), though I'm afraid that if I ever moved out there I'd end up writing a book entitled Los Angeles: How Can You Stomach It?, a work of non-fiction questioning how people actually manage to stand living in L.A. I've heard accounts from Los Angeleans that the constant nice weather puts people in a good mood. That alone is disgusting. How can you stomach that?! Granted, I'm sure the book wouldn't do too well in L.A. but I'm sure ther rest of the country will find it humorous. I smell a New York Times Bestseller! ...or not.

Everyone knows the distress (anguish really) that comes along with trying to get back into a workout routine after the holidays (no treadmill! please!), but very few know of the distress (anguish really) that comes along with trying to get back to blogging after the holidays. Please, put a little love in your heart. ...And then go to www.sidewinderzine.com to view my latest article. If it's not up now it will be in a day or two. Ah, the holidays.