WARNING: Disgustingly 'white boy' comments to follow.

What do you get when you combine the legendary and brilliant White Album by the Beatles with the modern masterpiece that is Jay Z's Black Album? Why, the Grey Album of course. DJ Danger Mouse has taken Jay Z's lyrics and laid them over Beatles music and rhymes to create something I haven't heard the likes of since I was 7 and heard dogs having sex.

Unfortunately the people at EMI (who happen to own the rights to the White Album) are not easily impressed by remixes and, I'm going out on a limb here, probably not by the sound of dogs having sex either (and most certainly not by people who break copyright laws). So sadly the Grey Album can never actually be officially released, but no doubt countless 16 year olds around the country are downloading it, enjoying Jay Z and thinking to themselves, "Dude, I gotta get thisÂ…this 'White Album' thing."

Scene: Kaytey and I having lunch a few days ago. I'm eating yogurt and Kaytey asks about its ingredients.
Kaytey: Does it have acidophilus?
Me: I don't know, let me check (I look at the ingredients.). Yes, it does.
Kaytey: I knew it! All yogurt does.
Me: (laughs) Acidophilus. It sounds like Greek acid.
Kaytey: (confused) What?
Me: Greek acid. Y'know, cause a lot of Greek people have last names that end in 'opoulos'.
Kaytey: Oh. Yeah. I guess that's funny.
Me: (sigh)

I am so the Rodney Dangerfield of acid and/or Greek jokes.

Clear up:

Yesterday at the end of my blog I said something about needing to hire an ombudsman after making 'comments' available. This evidently made some of you say (in person, not via comments, I might add), "What the hell is an ombudsman?" Andrew Chaikivsky sums it up nicely in the March 2003 issue of Esquire when he writes: The first ombudsmen were Swedish government officials who independently investigated complaints from citizens. The idea caught on with American universities, hospitals, and預fter a 1967 essay in Esquire, of all places, advocated them for the media溶ewspapers. Ombudsmen decide which complaints they'll look into, and most get to take the newspaper to task via a regular column.

Tada! So there you go. If anyone out there would like to be my ombudsman, well...Please, send in your application now.

Scene: Kaytey, Leah and I are eating lunch in the garden outside the Art Institute. A fire truck pulls up across the street outside of Cosi.
Leah: Uh oh. Cosi's in trouble.
Kaytey: Maybe they'll bring Cosi Girl out in a stretcher. What would you do then?
Me: They're not bringing her out in a stretcher.
Leah: I think she was working this morning.
Me: She was. She rang me up.
Kaytey: She's still not giving you bagels for free, is she?
Me: (laughing) No.
Leah: From what you've told me it doesn't sound like she's giving you anything for free.
Me: Oh shut up.
Kaytey: (pause) Well if she starts I want a mint mocha.

I need new friends. Please, send in your application now.

Scene: Today in the library an intern from Prints & Drawings (the very same from this blog) came in, searching for a book.
Intern: I couldn't find this book, and I really looked for it.
Me: Sometimes they just disappear. Don't worry.
Intern: But I mean, when I say I looked...I do a good job when I look. I look all over the place! (She gestures broadly)
Me: You look good. (I pause and cringe at how that sounds) ...Cause, y'know, for the book. You look good for the book.

I cough, look down and continue checking out her books in shame.

Also today: After months of petty moaning and bitching by my readers, I have officially added 'comments' to my blog. This enables you, the reader, to say whatever you want about my blog. Did you enjoy the blog? Did you hate the blog? Did the blog make you thirsty? Was it a good blog today or a crappy blog today? Well what kind of blog was it?! ...Now *you* can answer all these questions. And you know I'm really looking forward to reading your feedback. My only hope is that with the volume of feedback I'll be receiving I won't have to hire an ombudsman.

Today, a two-parter (gracefully blended into one, if I do say so myself) on my friend ___ (who wishes to remain anonymous for this blog).

___ came into work today, telling me that on Saturday, in a drunken stupor, she went into a Dominicks at three in the morning, grabbed a box of Maxi Pads and, thinking that it would have been easier than finding someone to come to the register and ring her up at 3am, simply walked out of the Domincks with her Maxi Pads.

I listened to ___ tell her story as she processed the daily newspapers and I looked over the new Newcity. "I hate that woman on the cover of the new Newcity," I informed ___. "Why?" she asked.
Me: Cause, she got her blog turned into a book. My blog should get turned into a book!
___: Oh Josh, who cares. Look at Bookslut.com. Her blog is still a blog and she's a big success.
Me: True.
___: Besides, don't listen to anything Newcity has to say. It's Newcity! It's not like it's the voice of Chicago.
Me: True.
___: It's not even the secret voice of Chicago.
Me: What is the voice of Chicago then?
___: Uh...the Reader.
Me: Then what's the secret voice?
___: Newc - I don't know! Shut up!

___ then stormed off. Oh ___!

straight face n. A face that betrays no sign of emotion.
joke n. Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement, especially an amusing story with a punch line.

straight faced joke example Bernadette returned home earlier tonight from Sam's Club (her first trip) with a ridiculous family size 6-pack of Mentadent toothpaste refills. Several hours later I walk into the living room while she's watching a movie, holding an old empty Mentadent refill.
Me: Hey Bern, this is out of toothpaste. Do we...have anymore...or...?

asshole n. A thoroughly contemptible, detestable person who makes stupid straight faced jokes.

Last night I was in the Home Depot at Halstead and Diversy when I turned a corner and stopped dead in my tracks. There, standing before me, was Zubair Ghias, the Lincoln Park investment banker turned national liar. Everyone should remember Zubair from back in February when he told the police that Al Qaeda had kidnapped him and was taking him to Morocco or something, but really he was just having a hard time with his wife and wanted an excuse to get away (Federal charges were soon pressed). Needless to say I stopped and stared for several seconds. A reenactment of that scene is below.

I then immediately called my friend Kaytey who had gone to high school with Zubair. "I saw Zubair!" I yelled into my cellphone, like the true star-fucker that I am. Kaytey squealed back in excitement, and we rehashed all the details of his faux Al Qaeda adventure. Really, it's the little things in life.

Several years ago when the orginal iMacs were introduced everyone thought that Apple was so innovative to come out with their computers in different colors. What most people don't realize is that the Royal typewriter company did the same thing 50 years earlier with their Quiet Deluxe line.

Oh Steve Jobs, you may have fooled everyone else, but you haven't fooled me.

On the way to work this morning I spotted a shiny black Nissan Maxima with slightly tinted windows and a vanity license plate reading 'Evil 30'. Needless to say I was very creeped out. I hesitantly walked past the car, expecting to see a giant sword or a little goblin, or some other accessory of evil in the back. Instead I saw a car seat.

As many know Google has come out with a free e-mail service called Gmail. Gmail offers 1 GB of free storage space (that's almost 500 times as much as competitors!), but in exchange displays ads on the side of your mailbox which are picked based on keywords scanned in your e-mail. Many people are up in arms over this, saying that it's an invasion of their privacy, though they don't seem to realize that services like AOL, Yahoo! and Hotmail do the same thing, and that all the scanning will be done by computers. Most outraged people seem to think there will be a guy in a small room smoking cigarettes all day going through their e-mail. Not so. And also, Gmail isn't even available yet, and is still in the testing stages. I however was lucky enough to become one of thousands who get to test it (you can e-mail me at bergwithfries@gmail.com and I'll tell you what ads pop up in relation to your e-mail). My testing spawned this conversation:

Me: So I have Gmail now.
Abigail: You know, they're reading all your messages.
Me: Good thing I use Yahoo! to send all my intel to the CIA.
Abigail: Of course. You have to kill me now, don't you?
Me: Mmm. Sadly, yes.
Abigail: It's okay. Occupational hazard. I understand. (pause) That is to say, I'm a counter-spy.
Me: Who do you work for?
Abigail: I work for French Guyana.
Me: The French Guyana? Nice. How's their dental plan?
Abigail: Not so great. But I accrue vacation days like you wouldn't believe.
Me: Shit.

Lately at work Leah has been trying to figure out a new way to make up the schedule each day. Her newest idea involves a template where each person is a letter (I would be A, David would be B, Agnes would be C...) and then she would simply use the "find/replace" option to replace each A, B, or C with our names. What Leah forgot to take into account while doing this was that it was not case sensitive and would replace *every* instance of the letter. As a result Leah showed me what tomorrow's schedule would look like, unable to control her laughter. Here, some highlights:

WednesdJoshy: JOSHpril 21

CirculJoshtion Desk - View holds list, double check cJoshrds, follow up on recJoshlls

PJoshging

MiscellJoshneous - Open: NewspJoshpers to tech services, recycle old pJoshpers, turn on cJoshtJoshlog terminJoshls, CD ROM, pJoshper supplies, unlock stJoshirwJoshy.

Josht 11:00 tJoshke breJoshk

CleJoshr JOSHmeliJosh's shelves

Deliver/Pick Up from Slide librJoshy Josht 12:30, MJoshil Josht 2:30

Yes, sadly every A was replaced. Oh LeJoshh!

The other day I was at Borders on my lunch break and saw a CD in the bargain bin titled Serenity Now! It was billing itself as "A collection of the most soothing melodies ever written," and included songs from Bach, Rachmaninoff, Vivaldi, and Mozart. But how many people are going to feel soothed when all they can think of it Jerry Stiller on Seinfeld yelling "Serenity Now!" No wonder it's in the bargain bin.

Afternote: At the Borders website, when I looked up the album it told me that 'Customers who bought this title also bought: The Most Relaxing Classical Album in the World...Ever!' And I thought to myself, Oh my God! That title doesn't relax me at all!

While yesterday's blog (about someone's job being 'headline creator for a woman's magazine') brought up the interesting thought of "This is someone's job? Like...for real?" it also made me remember a conversation I'd had with Kate last week about what my dream jobs would be. I could only think of two jobs: 1. Namer for new crayon colors and 2) Voice dubber for foreign movies that come to the United States. Kate said she wanted to edit sit-coms or movie trailers, be a writer, or be rich and never have to work. And while my ideas were a bit more (ahem!) creative, I do have admit that the 'being rich and never having to work' thing sounds appealing. Hmm, I wonder if there's a listing on HotJobs for that one.

I've always been curious, is it actually someone's job (just this duty and this duty alone) to come up with the headlines on women's magazines? An example of true yet ridiculous ones from the July 2003 Cosmopolitan:

-Do You Always Have to Pee? Find Out Why Your Tank Seems So Tiny - and the Surprising Ways to Fix It

-Yummy Naked Bartenders! Scope Out These Buff Boys and You'll Be Shaken and stirred.

-The Hottest Things to Do With a Man in 5, 30 & 60 Minutes

-What Your Sex Dreams Are Really Telling You!

-Drew Barrymore! The Love Mistake She'll Never Repeat

-Your Summer Fun Starts Here!

Yesterday on lunch from work Leah went to Arby's and got, of all things, a salad. With the salad came a small package of almonds and on the back of the package was a warning:

INGREDIENTS: Toasted blanched sliced almonds. Contains the following allergen: Almonds.

I mean...c'mon!

Today at work Maggie got the hiccups.

Me: That 'drinking water upside down' thing always works for me.
Maggie: Try scaring me.
Me: Um...You haven't mailed in your taxes yet and they're due by midnight tonight!

Today Bernadette had a writer come to one of her classes to speak. For about two hours the speaker bumbled a lot, filling his speech with 'um's and 'yeah's, and Bernadette told me this reminded her of me. "Oh thanks," I said. "Well," she explained, "it's just that you writers aren't always the best at actually talking. Because your main outlet for expressing yourself is through writing." I thought about this for a second and then agreed. "Yeah, it was pretty painful," she went on. "Eventually students just started interrupting him in the middle of his 'um's. Poor guy."

This is why I *write* a blog, and don't...I don't know...have a radio show or something. Sigh. Oh who am I kidding. Yeah, that's why I don't have a radio show.

During last week, a time when the situation in Iraq had become more violent, and the 9/11 commission had been breathing down Bush's neck, Dana Milbank and Robin Wright from The Washington Post write: "This is Bush's 33rd visit to his ranch since becoming president. He has spent all or part of 233 days on his Texas ranch since taking office, according to a tally by CBS News. Adding his 78 visits to Camp David and his five visits to Kennebunkport, Maine, Bush has spent all or part of 500 days in office at one of his three retreats, or more than 40 percent of his presidency." I don't even need to add a joke to this. I just hate Bush.

However, if you need to read a Bush joke feel free to visit my blogs from March 10th (where I talk about Dubya getting hit with a kitchen sink), March 7th (where I post possible Bush *election* slogans) or February 9th (where I talk about Bush's many "acomplishments").

Scene: About an hour before closing at the bar last night.
Micah: I need to make sure that these two guys with the big ears go home together tonight. Hand me the Goldschlager."

Ah, if Cupid were to use hard liquor it would be Goldschlager.

Today I had blogger's block...

Michael Chabon (author of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Wonderboys) says about Google: "Writers of the past has absinthe, whiskey, or heroin. I have Google. I go there intending to stay for five minutes and the next think I know, seven hours have passed, I've written 43 words, and all I have to show for it is that I know the titles of every episode of The Nanny and the Professor.

While slothing around on Google today I found this Doonesbury strip: Blogger's Block.

Abigail: I think posting about posting about blogger's block is a little too meta, even for you
Me: I think it's just meta enough, thankyouverymuch.

Gary Trudeau, the creator of Doonesbury says about Google: "Google is my rapid response research assistant. On the run-up to a deadline, I may use it to check the spelling of a foreign name, to acquire an image of a particular piece of military hardware, to find the exact quote of a public figure, check a stat, or research the background of a particular corporation. It's the Swiss Army knife of information retrieval."

Why does today's blog feel like an episode of Pop-Up Video?

Recently the Chicago Sun-Times launched an ad campaign billing itself as "The Bright One" assumingly in contrast to the Chicago Tribune. The ads ask, "Why start your day drab, when the Sun-Times has all the bright stuff?" Maybe they're referring to last week when they ran a large picture of Nicholas Cage walking down the street because he was here in Chicago filming a movie, while the Tribune's front-page dealt with the 9/11 commission. Or perhaps last Sunday, when the Sun-Time's front-page story was on how many dogs (and what breeds) live in each zip code in Chicago, while the Tribune had a special report on the economy. For a newspaper that doesn't appear to be that smart it's a bit ironic they're calling themselves bright.

As some of you may know, NPR recently announced that it would "reassign" longtime Morning Edition host Bob Edwards to a new role as senior correspondant. With Edwards having been host since Morning Edition's first show (25 years ago this November), many listeners have been outraged that NPR is forcing Edwards out only months before his 25th anniversary. Here, some excerpts from the transcript of an online chat with Jay Kernis, NPR's senior vice president for programming. Poor guy...

Q: Why are you holding a chat, if the answers do not matter in the decision-making process?
Jay Kernis: Because we want to explain the process.

Q: Considering the degree of impact which Bob Edwards has on Morning Edition listeners, why did NPR
choose to let us, the listeners, hear about his ousting on the streets, as it were? You consistently mention that NPR values its listeners' probity and intelligence, yet you tried to foist off on us bland
examples of spin. Can you blame us for being upset?
Jay Kernis: We agree that the announcement could have been handled better.

Q: Many people are wondering why you would "dump" an anchorman after such a distinguished career and a rise in the number of people listening to NPR?
Jay Kernis: We are expanding the role of the host on Morning Edition and we are moving from one to two hosts. The news demands of the broadcast require more than one host to keep the program timely every morning.

Q: Your letter states that Bob Edwards was included in the discussions about the updating of the Morning Edition Lineup, yet you state that he was "told" of the changes at a particular point in time. Which of these is more accurate?
Jay Kernis: They are both accurate.

Q: Programming changes have not incited the reaction that this one has; I believe it is why some have threatened to stop contributions. Will NPR absolutely not consider keeping Edwards until the anniversary which might seem a fairer move to supporters of Morning Edition?
Jay Kernis: It was a long process and once I made the final decision, we didn't want to wait another nine months.

Q: Now that the announcement is out, and given the public outcry, what prevents an extension to at least meet Edward's 25th anniversary with the show? Also, you explain that since you had already deliberated about the change for 18 months, "Given the length of time, we did not believe it appropriate to wait another nine months before making this change." Do you honestly feel that after 24 years, NPR can't afford to wait another nine months?
Jay Kernis: Bob is going to be on the road throughout the summer.

This morning at work I was talking to Kaytey about high school teachers...

Kaytey: (laughing) ...And his name was Kermit, and he was totally this hippie social studies teacher. And he drove this red Volkswagen. And he had long hair and a beard and glasses. And wore backless Birkenstocks and dark blue corduroy sport coats! I always felt like I wasn't hip enough to be in his class. (pause) Or Marxist enough.

This morning when I got to the Fullerton platform to wait for the train the same crazy guy who talked to me last week (last weeks blog entry here) was standing in the same place. I quickly diverted my eyes to the floor and walked past him.

Also, a friend of mine told me he was thinking of taking up smoking.
Me: Why would you do that?
Jamie: I'm trying to change my lifestyle.
Me: And you want to incorporate killing yourself?
Jamie: Well, I'm trying to give up some vices, so I'm bringing in replacement ones.
Me: What about eating?
Jamie: I'm trying to take that one out.
Me: Prostitutes?
Jamie: Hard to do when you live with your girlfriend.
Me: Gambling?
Jamie: You've got to have money for that.
Me: Alcohol?
Jamie: You mean more than I already do?
Me: (pause) I see. Well don't worry man. I'll think of something bad for you.

If you have any suggestions, e-mail me and I'll pass them on to Jamie.

Yesterday there was a banner ad for the Navy at the top of a web page. The ad read:

Kicking Butt is Mandatory.
Taking Names is Optional.
Navy

What kind of a message is that sending out? "Yes, please, go kill these people, and uh....you don't have to find out who they are. If they're wearing a nametag, great! Jot down the name. But if not, y'know, that's cool too. Remember to kick that butt thought. That is mandatory."

This country is so stupid.

The other day my friend Nik and I were at Barnes & Noble, when we came across the book (nay, literary genius!) Wuthering Heights. We were startled to see a bunch of famous, pretty teenage celebrities on the cover and something to the effect of "now an MTV original movie" at the bottom. I'm sorry, Wuthering Heights is now an MTV original movie? I'm sure next they're going to say that Carson Daly wrote it, and not Emily Bronte.

The other night my brother's boyfriend and I bonded over learning that we both love The Big Chill. It was karaoke night at the bar we were at and I told him I'd sing "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" in honor of our newfound mutal love for the movie. "Ain't Too Proud to Beg?" a friend asked me, slightly confused as to whether or not she knew the song "Oh yeah, I know that song! Someone sang that on American Idol the other night." Sigh. I am now officially 43 years old.

(see also my September 6th blog on The Big Chill where I feel 35 years old)