(Scene: Kellie and I are getting off the el earlier tonight. After leaving the train it starts pulling out of the station. I'm walking right next to it, and as it passes me a guy leans out the very last window and clubs me with a plastic pop bottle.)
Me: (shocked) What?!
Kel: What just happened?
Me: Did he just hit with me a bottle?
Kel: (laughing) Is that what happened?
Me: I mean, what kind of a person does that?!
Kel: A gangsta?

(Scene: Kellie and I are discussing our love of pizza.)
Me: You know what I have a craving for?
Kel: Pizza?
Me: Uh huh.
Kel: Jeez. I am so addicted. If someone told me i could eat deep dish pizza and drink cider everyday for the rest of my life...I would be happy.
Me: Kel...I'm telling you that you can do that.
Kel: Hmm. Perhaps that's not all it will take.
(pause)
Me: Yeah, I'm calling for pizza right now. I need a fix bad.
Kel: I just love it.
Me: I can just imagine: "Thank you for calling Chicago's Pizza, can I help you?" "Yes, I have an addiction that I need temporarily subsided."
Kel: (laughing)
Me: "I'm sorry, what was that sir?" "I mean, um, I'd like to place an order for delivery."

The other night Nik, Kellie and I went to see a movie. Outside the theater Nik commented:
Nik: It looks cool.
Me: It's the Biograph.
Nik: (meaning nothing to her) Okay.
Me: It's the theater John Dillenger was shot coming out of.
Nik: I hope we don't get shot coming out of it.
Me: (laughing) I hope not. Besides, he was a gangster.
Kel: He was totally a gangsta.
Me: Well he wasn't a gangsta.
Kel: Yeah he was.
Me: I don't even think that they had gangstas back then.
Kel: (laughing) Yes they did! He was a gangsta!
Me: (sigh)

Oh for shizzle J. Dillengizzle!

Then today Nik was going to Boston. I called her on her cell phone and recited part of Good Will Hunting to her in my bad Bostin accent. "Ya nah whaat tha baast paaht a ma dah is?" I asked her. "Pullin' aahp to yaaeah haaas in maah caah. Haaapin' to gaaahd yeeaah naaaht thaaa." It turned out Nik was only in Indiana so far. Shit.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a friend containing this news headline: Vermont Makes List of Most Endangered Historic Places.

Sure enough, I went to the National Trust for Historic Preservation website and found that, among historic places like Nine Mile Canyon in Utah and the Ridgewood Ranch in northern California (the home and burial place of Seabiscuit), the entire state of Vermont has been put on on the list.

Vermont lovers (and really, who isn't one?) argue that the state is in danger of Wal-Mart taking away it's charming, small-town quality of life. Evidently back in 1993 Vermont first appeared on the Historic Preservation list when it was the only state in the U.S. that didn't have a Wal-Mart. Since then the state has aquired four stores, three of which were put into already existing buildings, making them less imposing.

Currently there are plans to put seven new Wal-Marts in Vermont (with a state population of only 600,000, I'm not sure who exactly will be going to all these huge stores), placing the stores on the outskirts of towns where there are currently fields, creating what experts have dubbed "sprawl" which takes away from the downtown main street feel of many of Vermonts towns. In addition to the issue of Wal-Marts moving in, people worry this will only make it easier for other large chain-stores to move in, making Vermont one giant strip mall.

Howard Dean, where are you?!

Today while checking the weather at Weather.com I noticed the site had an ad for the new weather disaster movie The Day After Tomorrow, in which a second ice age comes overnight and New York gets stuck under hundreds of feet of snow. The ad says "Whoever said tomorrow is another day...didn't check the weather." And then a picture of the Statue of Liberty under snow. Because I'm sure if the United States had gone to Weather.com it could have fended off the next ice age. If only people had gotten their snowblowers ready! Oh for shame Weather.com. For shame.

Here in Chicago there's an event called Bar Olympics in which a group of bars compete against each other in different crazy events. This is intended to be fun and help patrons from certain bars get to know other bars. All it ever seems to do to me is get me drunk.

Well last Monday was the final events of the Bar Olympics (the events are ongoing for a few months, ending with one big event), held at the Metro and including many, many crazy events. The big event for the night however was the drag competition in which each bar had to do one performance in drag along with a song. One bar did Sonny and Cher, another did Britney's Toxic. My brother did Annie Lennox's Sweet Dreams. I was so proud.

But the highlight of the evening (no offense Micah) was four guys who dressed up as Madonna, Britney, Christina, and Missy Elliot and reenacted the VMA awards. It was as if I was really there! And, much like I would have done if I were actually at the real thing, afterwards I went up to Britney and Christina and asked for a picture. If you look you can even see Madonna in the back to the left.

Every Sunday morning me and a group of friends go out to brunch (an event always including food and lots of alcohol). This Sunday we brought along a Polaroid camera. Enjoy.

Yesterday at break Kristine, Mican (who has had several subsequent dates with Hamster Man, everyone should be happy to know), and I were all talking and for one reason or another I was waving a small, white plastic knife around. Kristine kept flinching and I said, "Oh, it's just a dinky little plastic knife." "It could still do something," Kristine said. To demonstrate how wimpy the knife was I began trying to cut my forearm with it. I said, "See, it doesn't ev - Ahhh! Fuck!" Apparently those knives can really cut. This picture was taken this morning to show the morning after scars.

I am now on suicide watch.

Today Sidewinder has officially launched it's new look and layout, and you know what that means? ...Neither do I. Except for the fact that my blog can now be viewed there daily, in addition to here at bergwithfries. So if you're tired of looking at my site in white, black and purple you can now view it in green and yellow under the Columns section! Huzzah!

While cleaning the other night I uncovered a few random things from and about the library I had saved (pictures, conversations, etc). So if you're trying to get to sleep...read on.

Scene: I'm checking out a book to a man in his 70's who works at the museum.
Me: There you go, I'll see you tomorrow.
J: Yes, yes. I'll be here tomorrow, God willing.
Me: (laughing) You might not be here?
J: Who knows! Yesterday I tripped in my living room and fell on my head!
Me: Are you okay?
J: Yes, I'm okay. But what an indignity!

Here's a photo of me at the library, trying to be artistic:

(p.s. that's an orange)

Scene: I'm standing next to Chad who is staring at the login screen on the computer, tapping his fingers anxiously on the desk.
Me: Login block? I get that a lot.
Chad did not think this was funny.

Here are some old check-out slips from the 50's and 60's that were found in some old books while shifting:

Yes, the library is just as exciting as I make it out to be.

Today Bernadette, Ed and I went to Ikea. Bernadette returned some things and bought new stuff, and rightly so, as I know that returning things is common at Ikea, more so than at other furniture stores.

Now of course returning things now and then is fine, but I've known some people (I'm not going to name names) who have returned items after years of use. Luckily for these people Ikea has one of the most relaxed return policies I've ever seen. "No box? No receipt? No idea what it is? Sure, we'll take it back!" This makes me wonder how Ikea does as well as it does. It seems to me that someone could just spend $500 there and just keep reusing that money over and over again by returning things and buying new things. Granted, I'm sure things eventually just die and you can no longer return them. But until then...I'm still buying stuff on the money I spent there in 1998!

I'm also waiting for the day Ikea gets into the big money market - Jewish holidays! I know I'll be one of the first to pick up a Bjorklund menorah. And the Lack havdalah candle? Feh!

Finally! A guest blogger! Today's blog comes from my friend Brett, currently on the National Review cruise I blogged about last week.

Well this is Brett reporting from Bermuda as we speak! (Isn't technology great? I'm in the middle of the ocean and I'm writing an email!) The cruise is going wonderfully, but I thought I'd share a story or two and correct Josh. First of all, I'm not the only person under 60 on this cruise. There's an incredibly unattractive girl from the University of Colorado here as well!

As for Bill Buckley dressing in a Hawaiian shirt and khakis - you betcha! He wears these khaki shorts that come just past his knees, either a Hawaiian shirt or a sweater of some type and - I'm not kidding - a captain's hat. And yes, everyone from the magazine actually calls him 'the captain'.

I do have pictures, which will be forthcoming.

Also, not all the speakers are old. Radek Sikorski is in his late 30's, and Rich Lowry, the senior editor of the National Review, is only 33! But I swear he's such a gen-xer. I caught him out at the pool today wearing a "Pain is weakness leaving the body" t-shirt and jean shorts. The other thing is I've never seen him drink anything except Coke out of a can. And he was reading some nerdy-boy fantasy D&D-esque novel that even I, in all my nerdiness, didn't recognize. The 80 year olds on the cruise worship this guy as some kind of intellectual God, and I can't say I blame them.

One last note: Our butler (yes we have a butler) is named Binoy (pronounced Beh-noy). Nobody in my family is able to pronounce his name properly. What's funny about this is that any time any minor problem arises (for example I couldn't find toe nail clippers last night), my father will scream out, "Call Bunyan! He'll find them!" My mother then gets angry, explaining that "Binion" doesn't do things like that. My father replies that "Beano" will do anything that you want, it's his job.

Quote of the Trip, from Bill Buckley:
Receptionist: You look familiar. Aren't you famous or something?
Buckley: Yes, yes I'm afraid I am.
Receptionist: What for?
Buckley: (In perfect seriousness) Well I'm a Rock Star.
Receptionist: You are not!
Buckley: (Genuinely hurt look on his face) Well I could have been...(Then, in his traditional monotone, almost British, accent and with absolutely no melody at all (and very matter of factly)) Heyah we ahh now. Entertain us.

Cheers from Bermuda
~Brett

I have several weekly traditions, none of which I can actually think of right now, with the exception of one: reading the engagement announcements in the New York Observer. Far from the drab, "So and so, son of blah blah, will be marrying schmo mo at yada yada..." the section, officially called Countdown to Bliss, is written weekly by Anna Jane Grossman and has a biting sense of humor. The column introduces you to couples like, "Entertainment Weekly staffers Melissa Rose Bernardo, 29, and David Serrano, 39, who will soon be entertaining each other weekly...every week for the rest of their lives," and "Bronzed beloveds! Fara Kaplan, 28, and Michael Saracino, 34, met at a tanning salon on Long Island and have maintained a healthy glow ever since. Now they're planning on growing wrinkled together." The weekly piece lets us in on the couples histories, like, "The bespectacled Mr. Kaplan was incredibly taken with Ms. Graham's penchant for Yentl-esque floppy hats, but for some reason demurred when she asked if they could watch Dr. Strangelove together in his dorm room. 'I'm an idiot,' he said. 'I have no idea when girls are flirting with me,' and "What in the relationship brings Ms. Miccolini the most joy? 'The sex!' she said. 'I'm just kidding.' Too bad..." The weekly announcement also wraps things up with endings like "She escapes from Jersey on May 1," and "The reception will feature an open bar which is apparently unusual at Irish nuptials. Heaven knows why." Such well written and witty announcements just make me want to get married! ...Not really.

Scene: The other night Bernadette and I were having a serious heart to heart about what we were going to do with our lives.

Bern: Twenties are a difficult time.
Me: Yeah, I know. I just wish I was done with them.
Bern: Me too.
Me: I mean, you're almost done with them.
Bern: Yeah. Thanks a lot Josh.
Me: No, I just mean that-
Bern: I'm old. Right. Thanks.
Me: (sigh)

The other day I was looking through the spring issue of Zoo Views, the Brookfield Zoo magazine (a copy was sent to the library, alright?) and I noticed a slightly upsetting picture. Evidently they had put on an event called Wines in the Wild, which seems to me like just a flimsy excuse to get drunk in front of the animals. But then there was a photo of some of the people who helped put on the event. And then there was the woman all the way to the right. Maybe it's not the best idea to wear a leather jacket and leopard print pants to a zoo!!! I can only hope that she had started drinking before she got there.

Yesterday at work Mican told us all that she had met a guy this week and had a date planned for the weekend; of course we were all happy for her, but really didn't give it another thought. Then later in the day she came up to me and asked, "Do you want to see his website?" He has a website!? Mican then took me to HamsterMan.com. That's right, Mican has a date with the creator of Hamster Man! For those of you unfamiliar with Hamster Man he is the "star" of a comic book about Hamster Man and his friends (featuring other characters including Glass of Milk Man, The Pants, Penny the paper bag, and Toothy). Here in Chicago Hamster Man is a minor celebrity.

Me: Do you realize how cool that is?
Mican: Oh, it's not that cool.
Me: Sure it is. You're dating a celebrity!
Mican: Stop it.
Me: Can I blog about this?
Mican: (laughing) No. I don't want people to think I'm some kind of star-fucker.
Me: So I'll put up a disclaimer or something. Don't worry.
Mican: (sigh).

Later that day I was telling Kaytey about Mican's date and I said,
Me: How come I never get to go on a date with anyone cool like a comic book artist?
Kaytey: Didn't you once go on a date thing with that comic book artist?
Me: (pause) Oh...yeah. Okay, nevermind.

The grass is always greener...

First off, Joel responded to my blog from yesterday by creating this lovely little heading for me. Joel, you're swell!

Yesterday Chad told me about an article he'd read reviewing a website called ChicagoBloggers.com. The site, started by a DePaul student named Matt Weiler in September 2003, is an index of blogs in and around Chicago, the "hook" being that the blogs are organized by el stop; you can pick a train line and then look at the different blogs from people who live by each stop. For example, my blog is located at the Fullerton stop on the red and brown lines. ...Am I the only person geeky enough to think this is really cool? I wouldn't imagine so.

Kellie and I were looking through the stops last night and she commented that more often than not the blogs out there can be pretty bad. I agreed, adding that there are some really crappy writers in general, but up until now they just haven't had an outlet, or if they did they probably had an editor or something to smooth things out a bit. Kellie paused a second and then she said she felt kind of bad commenting on all these people's blogs when she didn't even have a blog of her own. "It's okay," I told her. "Besides, what do you think I had the 'comments' feature added on for?"

Perhaps Kel should take her sense of quality towards blogs and become a blog ombudsman. Maybe my blog ombudsman. Please! Anybody! I'm so understaffed.

...I think Jadedgyrl23 from the Morse stop on the red line sums up the blogging culture best when she says. "Let's be real: We're all attention whores. We don't keep online diaries and join message boards because we want to keep a low pro. We want people to laugh at our jokes, e-prop us for our rants, and XOXO us when we're low."

While I understand that there is nothing funny about the situation in Iraq (with the exception of how Bush is handling it), the following thoughts occurred to me this morning. Today most of the nation's newspapers have headlines dealing with the execution of an American named Berg. Again, while I'm not trying to make fun of an innocent American being killed, I was thinking that perhaps now is not the best time to have a site named Bergwithfries. Maybe a better title would be something skewing more Middle Eastern. Koftawithfries perhaps? Sigh...I'm sure my ombudsman will be hearing about this one.

Also, on a lighter note, yesterday I was taking the dogs for a walk when Atmos walked into a giant plant of some sort. When he came back out his head was covered in pollen and was completely yellow.

"What are you doing?!" I asked him. He sneezed at me. Dogs are so weird.

Why Kel should run for Surgeon General:

Scene: Kellie and I are driving down the street. We spot a Caribou Coffee.
Kel: I don't like Caribou.
Me: Yeah, me neither.
Kel: I mean, I like Starbucks better. But, also I've decided that I'm going to give up coffee.
Me: And why is that?
Kel: Cause I've decided that coffee is bad.
Me: Oh you have?

That's right America! Kel should be Surgeon General, her merit being "I've decided coffee is bad." Truly a pioneer and advanced thinker!

The other day my friend Brett informed me that in a few weeks he would be attending the annual National Review cruise. For those of you thinking to yourself, "National Review cruise? What, like the magazine?" you're exactly right. The National Review gets together a bunch of old men who used to be in government and puts them on board a cruise ship. Let the good times roll!

This year's special guests on board the boat include James Woolsey, former director of the CIA; Bill Bennett, former secretary of education under Reagan; Radek Sikorski, former deputy minister of foreign affairs and former deputy minister of defense of Poland; of course William F. Buckley Jr., the National Review founder; and a bunch of other old men. Woohoo! Par-tay!

A few activities on the cruise ship itinerary include:
2:00-4:00 NR Forum. Topic: War and Counter-Terrorism
5:30-6:45 NR Event. Topic: Bill Buckley Slide Presentation
Why did the Loveboat never have a special episode featuring this kind of stuff?!

Does this sound like fun on a boat or what?! Brett told me that last year when he went to the slide show it consisted of William (Bill!) showing pictures of his boat and talking about that a lot. Maybe I'm just missing something here. I wonder if Buckley dresses up in khaki shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Now that'd be something! ...If Brett comes back with photos I will be sure to post them.

Yesterday was a fine example of a day I could have used a guest blogger. And not a single guest blogger in sight!

Also, my brother told me he had a dream last night that somehow he had a blood transfusion and ended up getting cat blood put into him. This caused me and his friend Kami to repeatedly throw him out the window to see if he'd land on his feet. And he always did. Man...I *gots* to get me some of that cat blood!

Also, I looked through this dream dictionary I had gotten as a present a few years back to see what *it* thought of Micah's dream...

Cat - This dream is an omen of back luck unless you drive the cat away.

Blood - A sever disappointment will bring you much unhappiness. Beware of unusual friends and guard your health.

Feet - Your own feet predict despair and loss of self-control.

I really hope my brother doesn't read this post.

If you Google "Josh Eisenberg" my blog is both the 3rd and 4th site that comes up. Clearly I'm movin' up in the world, and I will not rest until I make it to #1! ...Or until midnight tonight. Whichever comes first.

Scene: Leah, Kaytey and I are sitting in the garden outside work, eating lunch. We all sit in the grass, and as Leah is wearing a skirt she tries to tuck it under her legs.
Leah: If either one of you see London or France give me a heads up.

She's such a classy lady!

While eating new Baked! Doritos for lunch yesterday I glanced at the back of the bag and saw the quote, "People who are physically fit have a more positive attitude towards life than those who are not fit." - Dr. Kenneth Cooper, fitness and wellness expert. What a career pinnacle for a fitness and wellness expert, to have a quote on the back of a potato chip bag. Bravo Dr. Cooper!

The back of the bag also advised me to "indulge sensibly" with the Doritos. Isn't that kind of like being a little bit manic? Or a tad obsessive?

Doritos! Get a new copy writer!

On the statistics page in the administrative part of my blog I can look at a lot of things:
*How many people look at my blog
*What pages they look at
*What times of day my blog is the busiest
*What internet browsers people use to look at my blog
*Etc.

But the most amusing feature by far is who reads my blog. Of course I can't see actual names of people, but it gives me IP addresses and from that I can get a general idea of where the people are from. I have some readers from Amsterdam, some from Uruguay, and sadly, even some from New Jersey. There are people in Colorado, some in Pennsylvania, and a few in California. But I have to say the high point for me is the reader I have that goes to Yale. Please Yale person, leave a comment for me.

Ivy leaguers are reading my drivel!

Friday night Kaytey, Kevin and I went to the bar that I work at to have a few drinks. Around 11 some friends of mine (Brad and Alan) showed up and I introduced them to Kaytey and Kevin. Then Brad had the stunning realization:
Brad: Wait a minute, Kaytey from the blog?
Kaytey: (starts laughing)
Micah: That's you!
Me: (laughing too) Yes, she's that Kaytey.

I told the story to Leah this morning at work.
Leah: Remind me never to go to your bar.
Me: Yeah, everyone would know you as Leah from the blog.
Leah: Oh Joshy, don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still Leah from the blog.

Much like a deadbeat dad not sending a child support check, for the past two days I have not blogged. This has led to several complaints; mostly from someone who shall remain nameless, but on other occasions when I *have* blogged has gone so far as to comment that my blog was not funny. This person clearly has never heard of the expression "beggars can't be choosers". It's a free blog! Lay off! Ahem...

Also, after having no motivation to write, I thought perhaps I should get a guest blogger for the next time a similar mood strikes. Much the way Johnny Carson used to have Leno or Joan Rivers guest host when he was out, my guest blogger could do their own little funny thing while I'm away. A guest blogger may even spike ratings!

So if you'd like to apply for the position of my guest blogger send in your application to bergwithfries@yahoo.com (the same place all you ombudsman candidates are sending your applications) so I'll be able to rest easy knowing that next time I want to go on hiatus I won't have to let people down (or hear complaints from someone whose name rhymes with Shortney).