Here, as promised, Natalie's guest blog.

So, I've been absent lately from the comment section of the blog...not only because Joshy hasn't written much, but because I was in Cabo for the holidays. Yes, Cabo for Christmas - JW and I. I hate Christmas. X-mas is more like it....JW and I were there for 5 days andthe ONLY authentic Mexican food we got was guacamole, salsa, chips, margaritas and michaladas [yes, cocktails are food to me]! Cabo, as it turns out, is a bit more touristy than we anticipated, so all the restaurantsfeature "International Cuisine" or blah-blah-blah "fusion." Is it TOO much to ask for tamales or enchiladas?!? Me thinks not (yes, I'm also a pirate). But apparently MY people think so...

Anyway, Tuesday morning I read in Los Cabos Daily[which has the reading level of approximately a second-grader] about the tsunami. I was horrified. I think this tragedy is grounds enough to get out of my (last ever) family vacation - a cruise - this spring. Myextreme fear of big water isn't enough,maybe thethreat of a tsunami should convince them of the hazard. At this point, I'm packed, but contemplating where I can fit in the paper. I'm thinking hard as this is clearly a difficult decision...JW sees me and asks, "What are you doing?"

"Trying where to pack this so it's not damaged!" I reply.

"Why are you taking Los Cabos Daily home?" he asks.

"So I have PROOF that a cruise is too dangerous and I shouldn't go. I have to show my parents. Do you think I can get out of the cruise?" I eagerly ask.

"Don't you think your parents MAY have seen it, perhaps on the news, in the New York Times, or perhaps in their own town's paper?" he quickly replies.

I pause, "Um, oh...yeah."

So I didn't take home Los Cabos Daily, but did snag the grapefruit exfoliating facial soap.

Last night Kel and I were sitting in Starbucks and Kel was browsing online.

Kel: I haven't been to your blog in a while. Have you updated it lately?
Me: No.
Kel: Josh!
Me: I know, I know. I need to update it tomorrow. (pause) You just feel like you should be in it, don't you?
Kel: Yes. I've said a lot of funny shit lately.

Better late than never?

Other readers have not been as passive as Kel. Natalie texted me yesterday with this message: I have a guest blog i wld like to post on yr blog. I will e it to u tmrw. We talked abt a holiday blog & it is written but i wont txt it. Will use kami's computer tmrw. Figured it was safe to write since u took a blog siesta, which is fine...soon-n@

Rest easy, I'm back(?)

Yesterday, desperate for socks, I was looking through Micah's dresser drawers for the sock drawer. But before finding the sock drawer I pulled open a lower left hand drawer and sitting inside was a cutting board. I looked at it for a second before closing the drawer and moving on. I'm not going to ask about it I told myself. It could be some weird kinky who-knows-what. I am not going to ask why there is a cutting board in the dresser next to his bed.

Then this morning I went into their bedroom and a dresser drawer was open with the cutting board sitting across it, making it like a stick-out night table. On top of the cutting board was a lamp, a bottle of Gatorade and a piece of chocolate. “It's Micah's little makeshift nightstand,” Paul informed me. “Oh thank god,” I said. “I found the cutting board in there the other day and I was worried that something really weird was going on.”

Because keeping a cutting board in your dresser isn't. Right.

Sometimes at work we make up new martini flavors that we think people would like. Some are a success (the My Birthday Cake, which tastes like a piece of birthday cake), and some are not (the cereal martini which used Godiva White Chocolate liquor and had corn flakes floating in it and...well...yeah).

The other day at work Dan and I were experimenting and we came up with one that tasted like Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. "We should name it the Tastes Like Snapple," I suggested. The one problem with that is that we'd be using the name Snapple, which is a registered trademark. "I wonder if we can use it," Dan said.

The next day I called up 1-800-SNAPPLE and asked them that question. "Um, I really don't know," the woman replied, and suggested I call their corporate headquarters. I called corporate and asked them the same question and they forwarded my call to the head of some department, where I left a message explaining, "Hi, my name is Josh Eisenberg, I'm the bar manager at a martini bar in Chicago, and we've made a martini that tastes like Kiwi Strawberry Snapple, and we wanted to call it the Tastes Like Snapple, but we didn't know if using the name Snapple in the title was some sort of legal issue. If you could give me a call back that'd be great."

Then this morning at 8:30 I got a call. Who could this be? I thought. It was Snapple.

Woman: I'm sorry, but we can't have our name be used with the drink.
Me: I understand.
Woman: But we do think it's really cool that you came up with a drink that tastes like Snapple.
Me: Thanks.
Woman: If you don't mind, can you tell me what's in it?
Me: Sure, it's Bacardi Limon, strawberry liquor, melon liquor, and lemonade.
Woman: Snapple lemonade?
Me: No, just normal lemonade.
Woman: Hmm. We'll have to make that over here one day. That is, not at work of course. pause After work.
Me: Of course.

"Who was that calling this early?" Micah asked when I got off the phone. "Oh, that was Snapple," I said. Micah nodded in understanding but then looked confused. "I'm not going to ask."

So right now one of two things is happening: Either a research and development crew over at Snapple corporate is getting hammered and going "It does taste like Snapple!" or Snapple is going to develop a line of alcoholic drinks and steal my idea. Either way, remember that you heard it here first.

I have recently gotten an iPod. And while I enjoy the 20GB of space, the fact that it only weighs 5.6 ounces, and the convenient clickwheel, my favorite feature is the one Apple forgets to mention: The iPod is psychic. Whenever I change its settings to shuffle it knows what mood I'm in and shuffles accordingly. The other night when I was cleaning the house and needed some energy? Come On Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runners, Burning Down the House by the Talking Heads, and Toxic by Britney. This morning when I was feeling mellow and deep in thought? Please Let Me Get What I Want by the Dream Academy, Why by Annie Lennox, and No Such Thing by John Mayer. iPod, can you read my mind?

The other day Kami, Bryce and I went to a movie. On the drive home we were stuck behind a Dodge with the licence plate "RL 1050"

Me: That guy has 1,050 Ralph Lauren polo shirts.
Kami: That guy has ridden the ladies 1,050 times.
Me: Ooh, quite the ladies man.
(long pause)
Me: The guy who drives that car wrote the song Rock Lobster, and each time it's played on the radio he gets a royalty check for $10.50
Kami: Wow, you were thinking about that one for a long time.

We sat in silence for a minute, waiting for Bryce to come up with something, anything. He never did. Oh Bryce.

Last night Kel got an idea.

Kel: I'm thinking I'll start a new magazine.
Me: Kel Monthly?
Kel: No. A kind of a farce on The New Yorker entitled The Chicagoan.
Me: And will it have little cartoons that make no sense?
Kel: Oh, they make sense Josh.
Me: "Oh I get it, the bear is wearing a tie and he has an outbox that says 'bark' " (pause) As in tree, not dog noise.

This brought up the topic that when I was 14 I made up cartoons and thought I should send them to the New Yorker. Of course I never did, but I saved them. After much rummaging around I found them. Enjoy?

Cartoon #1
Cartoon #2

Last weekend there was a woman sitting at the bar that Sean insisted I ask out. I insisted that she was a lesbian.

Sean: But she's cute.
Me: But she's still a lesbian.
Sean: Oh I see, you just can't deal with women who aren't dependant on you.
Me: I'm just saying.
Sean: That's what Megan (Sean's girlfriend) says when she's done arguing. "I'm just saying." That means I'm right, you're wrong, argument over.
Me: But she's a lesbian!
Sean: Oh Megan's a lesbian now too?
Me: No, no, no. I'm sure she's very heterosexual, and if you're lucky she's heterosexual a few times in a night. I'm saying our friend here at the bar is a lesbian. She likes riding in her truck with her dog, drinking her Coors, and listening to k.d. Lang.
Sean: You know an awful lot about being a lesbian for someone who's not a lesbian.
Me: Yeah. I'm a lesbian now. You caught me!

The eighth and final night of Hanukkah...

Dan came into work tonight with a big bag for me. "Happy Hanukkah," he said, giving me the bag. "What is this?" I asked. I looked inside the bag and sitting there was a woven wicker basket with the words "Happy Hanukkah" on the side. I didn't know what to say. It was so...stupid. "I don't get it," I admitted to Dan, looking up from my new Hanukkah basket. "Look at the tag," he said. Sure enough there was a tag from the manufacturer on the side. It read "It's just not Hanukkah without the basket." I'm sorry; it's just not Hanukkah without the basket?! I don't even know what that means. I told Dan this. "I was hoping you'd be able to tell me," he said. I apologized and told him that nowhere in the story of Hanukkah is there an all-important wicker basket.

For the rest of the night I just kept thinking of a Jewish family sitting around at Hanukkah, one of them having forgotten the basket. "What do you think this is supposed to be, Christmas? I mean, it's just not Hanukkah without the basket!"

Happy Hanukkah everyone.

The fourth night of Hanukkah...

This morning Bernadette and I were sitting on the sofa, and UPS delivered a Hanukkah present.

Bern: Day four of Hanukkah.
Me: Yup.
Bern: That sounds like some kind of stand off. (adopting news announcer voice) Hanukkah Watch! Day Four! Bum bum bum!
Me: Yeah. Yeah, it's just like that.

The third night of Hanukkah...

Last night at work Kami was looking over the mail. "Oh, this one must be for Josh," she said. "I mean, just look at the return address."

Kami handed me the big envelope. It was from the Jewish Federation of Metropolitan Chicago. Yup. It was for me.

It was a letter asking if we were "looking for a great opportunity to advertise Kit Kat Lounge?" It went on to tell us that the "Kit Kat Lounge can become a sponsor for the 34th Annual Israel Solidarity Day and reap the benefits."

I had no idea us Jews were that interested in martinis and trannies.

The second night of Hanukkah...

I was at my bank, at the customer service desk changing the settings on my savings account when the guy helping me asked if I'd applied for the new Bank One credit card.

Me: No, I haven't.
Him: Well you should. It has 0% interest for a whole year on balance transfers from other cards, plus no annual fee. And you know Christmas is coming up. That's going to be expensive.
Me: Well I'm Jewish.
Him: But Christmas is still coming up.

I really couldn't argue with that, but at the same time I couldn't help but be annoyed.

Stay tuned for all this week and into the next for the Eight Blogs of Hanukkah.

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah.

The other day at work some of the servers were asking how I felt about Christmas, being Jewish and all.

Sean: He hates Christmas. And Jesus.
Me: Oh I don't hate Jesus.
Sean: Yes you do, that's what your whole religion is based on.
Me: (laughing) No it's not.
Sean: But you're sick of people talking about Christmas.
Me: Well yeah.
Sean: See!
Me: But it's just like, if you're at someone's party, and they made spinach dip, and everyone is talking about the spinach dip, and how great it is, and how you just have to try it, and you're like, "You know what, I really don't like spinach that much." Oh, but you've got to try the dip! It's great dip! (pause) I just don't like spinach.

Sean continued to insist that I hated Jesus.

Last night at work Kami was telling me that she had an annoying pimple on her face, but with all the candles and mood lighting we have I couldn't see it.

Kami: I named it Josh.
Me: Why would you do that?
Kami: Because it pains me, the same way that you do.
Me: I don't pain you!
Byron: It just gets under her skin and pisses her off.
Me: (sigh)

Then, a little bit later Kami came out of the drag room (where our performers get ready) and announced:

Kami: I tired to finesse you and pop you and a bunch of white stuff came out.
Me: Ah, just like in real life.

Give my name to a baby tooth that's fallen out. Or a cute little scar you got on your knee from playing soccer when you were seven. Not a pimple. Please.