Today, while looking for some sunglasses, I came across an Army Guy with a parachute.

And of course, the only thing to do with an Army Guy with a parachute is to throw him out a window.



Just to give you a frame of reference, here's my apartment.



Oh Army Guy. Look at him go!



His nice landing.



Since the first flight went fine I figured, why not do it again. This time Micah went along with it.



Here Micah drops Army Guy out the bathroom window.



But shit! Somehow Army Guy gets stuck on the window the floor below us.



Finally Army Guy blew down, but not before plans for a really long hook to get him down.



Micah spent the next few minutes trying to untangle Army Guy's parachute, but gave up after a few minutes with no luck.



Oh Army Guy. Until another day.

Some people think aloud, "I need to get some milk while I'm out," or "I should grab some stamps at the store." The other day, while out for a walk, Micah declared, "I should pick up some lube while we're out."

I just stared at him for a second. "What?" he asked, "I'm almost out!"

Yesterday Bernadette enthusiastically wished me a

Bern: Happy Easter! (long pause) Even though you don't believe in Jesus.

That really puts you in the spirit, doesn't it?

Also this weekend I watched 'It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown' with Kel. It seems to me that 'It's The Easter Beagle Charlie Brown' was a special about Easter in kind of the same way that Charlie's Angels was a show about law enforcement.

Snoopy spent the entire cartoon pushing Woodstock around to get into a birdhouse (for no apparent reason), and only at the end appears out of nowhere tossing stolen Easter eggs at people. Marcy and Peppermint Patty continue their usual pseudo-lesbian relationship, with Peppermint Patty butching Marcy around on how to boil Easter eggs, and Marcy continually screwing up, apologizing every time with "Sorry Sir." And then there's Linus, who seems to get his holiday facts from reading Gore Vidal novels (Great Pumpkin? Easter Beagle?), and tries to bring some holiday spirit to the otherwise jaded Sally who utters lines line "It's almost Easter and I have nothing to wear. Look at these shoes! How can I celebrate Easter properly in these shoes?” and after Linus tells her that the Easter Beagle will never let her down says, "I know he won't, but how about you?"

Of course there's also Sally's grand speech on Easter morning, when she feels that Linus has screwed her again. "You've done it again, haven't you? I've been sitting here since dawn waiting for the Easter Beagle! Where is he? I don't know why I always listen to you! I never learn. You said the Easter Beagle was coming! Well? Where is he! I'm the laughing stock of the neighborhood! You've made a fool of me! Why do I always listen to you! Trust me, you said. Trust me! Trust me! And now I've been burned again! Never trust a man with a blanket! Get me my lawyer!! I've been humiliated!!"

Yup. The same way Charlie's Angel's was about law enforcement.

Recently I've discovered a site called Fametracker (which credits itself as the Farmer's Almanac of Celebrity Worth). The site is an odd mix of celebrity and sarcasm (not that it's odd that those two are combined, but the pieces it produces are odd).

The site has features such as 'Hey! It's That Guy!' a funny yet comprehensive look at character actors we all know and love, but when pressed for their name all we can come up with is “That Guy”. Then there's the amusing feature 'Celebrity vs. Thing'. In the premiere piece of 'Celebrity vs. Thing' Catherine Zeta-Jones is pitted against a bagel, and the painful question is asked, which would we rather live without? It puts their pros (“As the rest of Hollywood whittles itself into an army of Zone-crafted zerobodyfatbots, Zeta Jones still understands that the road to a man's heart is a road with a lot of dangerous curves. Slippery when wet! Rooowrr!”) against the cons (“And pizza bagels are just a pain, no matter what anyone tells you. Because the cheese and sauce always drip through the hole in the middle while in the oven or microwave, and then you pull it out and there's cheese and sauce everywhere and the bagel's looking up at you, all like, "What did you expect? There's a hole right in the middle, goof!").

The whole site in general is pretty great, and if the 'Celebrity vs. Thing' feature doesn't get you, The Baldwin obscurity clock will. And just to make sure I get you to go I'm not going to tell you who wins in the duke-out slugfest between Zeta and the bagel. So there.

Micah and I are watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU. For some reason the drug serotonin is mentioned.

Me: If I ever became a drag queen I'd want my drag name to be Sara Tonin.
Micah: That is the dorkiest drag name ever.
Me: Yes. Yes it is.

Maybe it'd be like a sexy scientist or something? Eh?

The other morning Kel woke up, turned to me, and said, "I had a crazy dream last night."

Me: Uh oh. What was it?
Kel: We were vacationing with the Bush's.
Me: And what was happening?
Kel: Well we were on some kind of raft -
Me: Wait a minute! Why were we vacationing with the Bush's?
Kel: Because we're cool!

Evidently something went wrong with the rafting and George and Kellie came up with a plan to save us. Unfortunately the plan didn't work (Imagine that! The President making a plan that doesn't work!) and the last thing Kel remembers was the First Lady screaming as we went over something.

When I told Kami about this she exclaimed, "Of course that was her dream! She's a Republican!"

The other night at work Sean came up to the bar to "ask a questsion".

Sean: My table wants to know the difference between a chocolate martini and a chocolate and vanilla martini.
(long pause)
Me: I don't get it.
Sean: Exactly. (Sean walks away)
Me: (to myself) Head. Hurts.

This morning Micah, Bernadette, and I made plans to go out to breakfast.

Micah: Where are we meeting her?
Me: The Pick-Me-Up Cafe.
Micah: Where is that again?
Me: You know, over on Clark under the el tracks.
Micah: Huh?
Me: By Penny's Noodle Shop.
Micah: On Diversy?
Me: No, not that one. The other one.
Micah: Oh, across from the (makes motorcycle handlebar gesture) vrrrm vrrrm?
Me: The Twisted Spoke?
Micah: Yeah!
Me: (laughing) The vrrrm vrrrm.
Micah. Hey, if the TiVo can be the hmm hmm then I can have the vrrrm vrrrm.

About a week ago Micah stumbled home late at night, escorted home safe by a nice young man named Matt. Matt came in, had a seat, talked for a second, and then took off. Two days later I found this e-mail in my inbox:

Hi Josh,

I'm that drunk guy who arrived at your new apartment with Micah on Thursday evening. Hello again. You were MUCH easier to find on the Web than your brother.

I'm just checking to make sure he's OK. Oh, and would you tell him I put my number in his coat pocket for a REASON; and it wouldn't kill him to call me and say something to the effect of "thanks for seeing me home safe, and can I buy you a cup of coffee sometime, Handsome?"

I quickly replied:

Dear Matt,

It's good to know how easy how it would be for someone if they wanted to start stalking me.

Micah didn't remember finding your phone number (he loses things easily), but his e-mail address is coachhouseguy@yahoo.com. I know he'd appreciate a witty e-mail of his own from you.

This morning Micah informed me that he had gotten another e-mail from Matt. It goes as follows:

Hey, good to hear from you! (Now, sigh, if I can just make into Josh's blog, my life will be complete).

I am self-employed (as a lawyer/accountant/patent agent/real estate broker/grad school professor/financial analyst) so my schedule's very flexible. I stay up late too, so I would not be averse to meeting you after your shift ends (but I guess everything else is closed by then too).

What's good for you?

Micah: He's just is using me to get into your blog.
Me: (laughing) That's great!
Micah: He doesn't think I'm cute, he just wants to be in the blog.
Me: I've gotta blog about this.
Micah: Just get it over with so he'll be happy and I can sleep with him already.

Done and done!

A while ago my mom and her boyfriend Ed came up to Kit Kat for dinner.

As you may or may not know I work at a bar that has transexual performers. And as you may or may not know Ed does work with cars. So it was ironic when Ed said, "See, at my work 'tranny' has a whole other meaning." Zing!

This morning Kami and I went out to breakfast, and being the Old Married Couple that we are I picked up some magazines on the way so that we wouldn't have to actually talk to each other while eating.

At the Walgreens I grabbed US Weekly, InTouch, and Newsweek.

Cashier at Walgreens: At least you have one redeeming magazine in there.
Me: Yeah, US Weekly is really a fine publication.

The other night I was at North End, having a drink after work, when I ran into Thom.

Thom: Josh, I have to admit something.
Me: Uh oh.
Thom: I just started reading your blog. I know I've been a bad friend by not reading it before, but I'm reading it now.
Me: It's okay Thom, I don't mind.
Thom: But I really feel bad.
Me: Don't worry. I'm just glad you enjoy it.
Thom: I do. Except for...well, except for the Natalie and Allen comments.
Me: (laughing) What do you mean?
Thom: Well, it seems like Natalie and Allen just kinda talk about whatever they want, even if it's not related to the blog. Thom pretends to type on a keyboard in front of him and be Natalie/Allen. Oh hi, what did you have for breakfast today? I had a muffin! It was good! He stops pretending to be Natalie/Allen. Yeah, I don't like it Josh.
Me: Well I'm sorry you feel that way.
Thom: You're sorry? I'm the one who has to read it.

Okay, so here's the deal:

First I moved, which I mention in the last blog I wrote (which you've probably been staring at for weeks - sorry).

Then my lease on the name www.bergwithfries.com ran out so for a few days you couldn't even see the out-dated blog. I had to transfer the domain name and do a whole thing. Sorry about that too.

And finally the internet service at the new apartment took a while to hook-up, so that accounts for the past few days.

But now I'm pleased to say that bergwithfries is back. So...yeah.

Also, since I've been gone (for those of you that aren't satisfied with the update-as-blog blog) I've gotten TiVo. It was originally Micah's idea, but I have to say I've warmed up to it (who wouldn't like pausing live TV and being able to fast forward and rewind?).

But, like all good things, not everyone is happy for TiVo. One of these people is Kellie.

Kel: Josh! TiVo is the fall of western civilization!
Micah: I think civilization was in decline before TiVo.
Kel: But it's definitely up there!
Me: It's just TiVo. Relax. It's not the devil. It just records TV.
Kel: I'm not coming into that apartment if TiVo is there.
Me: Fine!
Kel: I'm not!
Me: What if I put a sheet over it?
Kel: No. It's me or the TiVo.
Me: Fine. I won't even say the word TiVo. I'll just call it the hmm hmm.
Kel: Good.
Me: In fact, maybe I'll just become Amish. How would you like that? I'll get a loom and make a sweater.
Kel: You don't use looms to make sweaters Josh.
Me: See! I can't even be Amish.

In the end Kel still is not happy about the hmm hmm. Though in all honestly I still haven't set up the hmm hmm. So...truce?