As many men can attest, the part of your face (upper lip I suppose) directly underneath your nose is one of the hardest places to shave. Where your upper lip meets your nose, in that little crevice, and it's hard for your razor to get into, leaving a tiny space where there's a thin, short line of tiny hairs, unable to be gotten by your razor. Well today, in an attempt to try and thwart those hairs once and for all, I did some fancy maneuvering, lifting my nose and curving my razor. The result: I cut the underside of my right nostril. There's a little red drop of blood there now. And I didn't even cut the hairs.

That's right. If someone asks, "Josh, what happened to your nose?" I can honestly say, "Oh that? I cut it shaving."

Today, while Micah and I were walking home, we were stopped at the crosswalk of Broadway and Addison. In front of us stood a young girl (about five) and her mother. The girl was swaying and fidgeting anxiously as young children do when they have to stand still, and Micah and I glanced down at her and noticed she was wearing sparkly, ruby red slippers.

"Well that's neighborhood appropriate," Micah said.

The other day Kami and I were walking down the street. In front of us a woman was walking the same direction as us, and walking towards us was a homeless woman. The homeless woman stopped the woman in front of us, asking for some change. "Sorry," the woman in front of us told the homeless woman.

The homeless woman then continued walking, looked at Kami and I, and walked past us.

Me: What was that about?
Kami: (laughing)
Me: She couldn't ask us if we have change?
Kami: Were you going to give her any?
Me: Well...no. But I mean, it's always nice to be asked.

I was snubbed by a homeless woman!

This morning I woke up, just like any morning, and got up to go to the bathroom. But when I opened my bedroom door this was standing there.

I stared at it a second, then turned to Micah who was sitting on the sofa watching TV as if everything was normal. "Am I still dreaming?" I asked. "Dru and I brought it home last night," he told me. "We were kinda drunk, and I'm not really sure how we got it up here. I'm afraid to go out into the hallway, like there will be banisters missing or something."







At over 6 feet tall and about 4-5 feet wide, it's a pretty big sign. I walked out into the hallway in my boxers and looked down the stairs, glad to see all the banisters still intact. "You're so weird," I told him.

Does this remind anyone else of the futon blog?

Yesterday Bernadette and I were out taking the dogs for a walk. As we were walking down the sidewalk we passed a cute girl who I smiled at. The girl, in return, shot me a bit of the evil eye.

Me: You know what I hate?
Bern: What?
Me: Usually walking the dogs would be a chick magnet, but when I'm walking them with you women assume that you're my girlfriend, so then when I smile at them they think, "Oh that pig! He's walking his dogs with his girlfriend and smiling at me? Who does he think he is?!"
Bern: They don't think that.
Me: Yes they do.
Bern: Even if they do; that doesn't mean they don't like you.
Me: Oh, I'm sure lots of girls would like to date a guy who flirts with other girls while he's with his girlfriend. What a catch!

Subj #1: Lately I've been thinking that I should get out of bartending. It's encapsulated enough of my life, and maybe it's time for me to move on.

Subj #2: Micah has kinda started seeing this guy named Joel. Joel sends him extra gross text messages (like "I love your goofy smile") and Micah makes Kami and I listen to them. When I first met Joel I told him, "Listen, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but Kami and I are sick of hearing the really gross texts."

Subj #1 and #2 combined: Yesterday Joel bought Micah flowers. Sadly, Micah and I realized that we don't own a vase, and so currently flowers are sitting in our living room coming out of a martini shaker. Sigh.

Yesterday a bunch of us went to brunch at Duffy's, where they have a huge buffet and a mimosa bar.

Joel and I were up getting more mimosas when this woman (who was also getting a mimosa) started to show us how to really make them.

Woman: You have to put in a little strawberry juice first. Then a lot of champagne. And then an orange juice topper. (She looks at our blank faces, as she has taken over our mimosas). I wouldn't lie to you. (Pause) I'm not a man.
Me: Well...thanks for that.

When we get back to the table Joel and I tell everyone of our bitter encounter.

Bernadette: Jeez, what happened to her last night?
Justin: Well I'll tell you what didn't happen to her last night: Dick.

Our poor bitter mimosa maker. Perk up.

This morning at 10:36 my phone rings. I'm sleeping. It's Billy. I answer it.

Me: Deep breath! Cough! Act awake! Hello?
Billy: Hey Josh, how are you?
Me: I'm go - Okay, be awake! Don't let him know you were sleeping! - re you?
Billy: I'm good. I'm just calling to let you know that Bill called me back. He says he was busy yesterday and he's not blowing me off, and he'll call me back later today.
Me: Oh tha - Keep talking. And annunciate! Awake people annunciate! And maybe say something witty! Dear God, did I just slur? - ith you?
Billy: I'm just at work. Were you sleeping?
Me: (pause) Yeah?
Billy: Yeah.
Me: I was trying to pretend I was awake.
Billy: Go back to sleep Josh.
Me: Okay.
Click

I always think I'm fooling people by pretending to be awake, but maybe I need more practice. Anyone who wants to call me tomorrow morning at 7am, be my guest.

I read something the other day about how men who use laptop computers may have lower sperm counts. It has something to do with having the computer sit right in your lap, the fact that the bottom of the computer gives off a lot of heat, and evidently a warm crotch equals dead sperm. I wonder if guys who stand all day in front of wood burning ovens have the same problem?

In any event, I'm writing this post from my laptop, which is placed firmly on my lap. Mom: Don't hold your breath for the grandkids.

Yesterday TiVo recorded an hour of the MTV channel MTV Hits, the station that plays only videos. In this hour I got to see the new Aaron Carter video, ‘Saturday Night’, in which Aaron decides that being on tour is hard (insert pouty face here). As the dialogue at the beginning of the video shows...

Black Friend: Yo Aaron, we shoulda gone to that party last night.
Adult with Headset and Clipboard: Guys! What are you doing? C'mon, lets go! Tiiime!
Hot Girl: Aaron, I'm tired. We've been touring for three months.
Aaron: Don't worry. I got it.

At this point Aaron pretends to get on the plane, only to jump out of it before it takes off and get into a bus, destined to drive around and pick up girls. See that girl walking six dogs? See her pulling and tugging with the dogs, having a hard time? Aaron waves to her, the girl smiles at him, (and I’m not making this next part up) looks down at a poodle staring lovingly at her, and – realizing that Aaron is the answer to all of her problems – she drops the leashes and runs to the bus. She drops the leashes! The poor dogs run free on the streets! Then Aaron happens to come across two girls washing a car in a short skirt and a pair of shorts. So he motions for them to get on the bus and out of the heat. Hooray! Aaron has saved them! And last but not least Aaron stops by an outdoor cafe where a young waitress is flustered with all the customers. So (surprise!) Aaron waves to her and the girl drops her tray and jumps on the bus. Is anyone else concerned that Aaron Carter is sending a bad message to the youth of America? Forget your responsibilities! Quit your jobs! Let your dogs run free in the streets! Get on my bus! Aaron, you're such a slut.

Watching MTV Hits I also discovered that Eric Roberts, semi-celebrity and brother of Julia Roberts, is the go-to guy for the music video "other man". In the hour that was recorded Eric starred as "the other man" in Maria Carey's 'We Belong Together' and in the Killer's 'Mr. Brightside'. Eric, you have successfully cornered the market on creepy-older-rich-man-who-vies-for-the-attention-of-the-woman-in-the-video. Bravo!

Today the small town of Pikeville, Kentucky is demanding a public apology from the A&E network over a show filmed in the small town.

The show, City Confidential, likes to think that it "goes inside a unique American city and explores its colorful characters, its peculiar history, and the truth behind its hidden mystery." Or in this case, videotapes a bunch of hicks.

Evidently the show portrayed Pikeville in an unfavorable light. Or as the city manager wrote in a letter to A&E, "Obviously, being labeled the town from hell can not be interpreted in any way as positive." Not true! What if you're trying to attract Satan worshipers?

The town manager (which is a job I've never heard of before) went on to say that the show played up stereotypes. "You start the piece by showing a rebel flag on Julius Avenue, an overweight man without a shirt smoking a cigarette and an old pickup with a few women in the back. As I am sure you would agree, you can go to almost any city in America and find the same." I'm sure I would not agree. Personally, I've never lived in a town where any of those things are common place.

As a final plea the town manager says, "We're a progressive town." Ah. That explains the rebel flag.