Look around you. See the links on your right falling apart. See the pictures at the top all crooked. This is no place for a blog. And yet, sadly, blogs grow up in this environment every day. But now there's something you can do about. Yes, even you. For less than a dollar a day (or more than that if you REALLY REALLY want to) you can help support a blog.

You can't even imagine the look on a blogs face when it finds out it no longer has to get its HTML mark-up down by a contaminated river. Or the feeling a blog gets when it knows it won't have to give a handjob in an alleyway to just to pay for it's domain name fees.

Yes, for just $5 (what you usually waste on lunch money for your children, or an issue of US Weekly) you can help support a blog in need. But you may be wondering, what will you get when you support a blog? For starters you'll get a picture of the blog you've adopted. You can hang in on your fridge if you'd like, and when your friends come over you can tell them that you're better than they are because you give to charity, and all they ever do is come over to your house and eat your food. For your donation you'll also be able to keep enjoying the blog you're currently reading. And if those two things aren't enough...I'll leave the outgoing message on your answering machine for you. Yes, I'm stealing from Carl Kasell now.

So please, why don't you go right now and help support a (clearly) desperate blog.

Wouldn't you like to help a blog like this with a fresh start?

Halloween weekend is the best time of year for 'Missed Connections'.

For those unfamiliar with 'Missed Connections' they are the listings in papers (most notably here in Chicago, The Reader) or on websites (most notably Craigslist) saying something to the extent of "You: Brown hair, green sweatshirt. Me: Jean jacket, big afro. We made eyes at each other outside Starbucks last Tuesday, I should have said hello. Coffee another time?" Basically, they describe a connection that has been missed.

But what makes Halloween such a great time for missed connections is the costumes. So far I've seen posts for "Mime missed Snow White", "Wonder Woman on the red line", "You: Kate Hudson...Me: White Trash Spiderman", and "You: Gorgeous referee in skirt... Me: Abe Lincoln".

Oh Halloween. God bless your weirdness.

The other night I get a phone call from Bernadette.

Bern: Hey, you wanna come over tonight and carve pumpkins with Joel and I. He's got some good chronic.
Me: Chronic?
Bern: (sigh) Pot.
Me: Oh.
Bern: And I was thinking we could have a few cocktails. Just relax.
Me: I don't know if it's the best idea to drink, smoke pot, and then try carving a pumpkin with a big serrated knife.
Bern: Hmm...
Me: Just a thought.

Then today I was looking on Craigslist and people kept making mentions of having 420. 'What the heck is 420?' I kept thinking to myself. I did some research; yup, pot.

From now on if someone is talking and uses a word that I don't understand...I'm just going to assume that it's drugs.

Tonight while doing laundry in the basement I happened to look at the bulletin board down there. There were the usual things people were getting rid of; a night stand, a vacuum cleaner, etc. But then there was a note saying that someone in the building (Stephen in 6E specifically) was starting a bridge game, had someone else who was interested, and was looking for two others.

I suddenly thought to myself, "Could I play bridge?" But then, is bridge a card game for old people? Or is that just an unfair bridge stereotype?

In any event, I think I'm going to search for a crash course in bridge online, and if I like it I may talk to Stephen in 6E.

I could be a bridge player. It could happen.

Today I was taking Atmos and Vega for a walk. At one point Atmos got suspiciously close to a fire hydrant and started sniffing it.

"Mos," I said, "don't be a cliché."

About a month ago a friend of mine competed in an Iron Man to raise money for a friend of his who has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). Of course I donated money to him, because lets face it, philanthropist is practically my middle name. In return for my donation I got one of those rubber bracelets in the mail. You know the one's I'm talking about. Cancer has yellow. Breast cancer has pink. Mine is red.

Nathan, a server at work, has worn a yellow one for as long as I can remember.

Me: Let me ask you something, how long do you leave the bracelet on for? I mean like, all the time?
Nathan: I don't really know.
Me: Like, do you take them off while you sleep. Or while you shower. Or what?
Nathan: I've thought about that. And I'm not sure. Sometimes the wife gets mad at me because she wants me to take it off and I'm not sure if I should.

Nathan and I then got on a tangent about what bracelets and handkerchiefs mean to other people, and the conversation what pretty much downhill from there.

I Googled 'cancer bracelet etiquette' and no real results that would help me came up. Please, if anyone knows anything about wearing these things...help?

Remember the days when you'd be driving along, flipping through radio stations, looking for something to listen to. Somehow you'd end up on NPR and someone would be telling a story or conducting an interview with someone you never thought of as interesting, but by golly, they are. And then, before you know it, you're sitting at home, in your car, unable to go into the house because you want to hear the end of the show. Well NPR is onto you.

You can now buy Driveway Moments, a CD filled to the brim with segments and shows on NPR that were so good you sat in the rain or cold of your car just to finish them. Oh NPR, what will you think of next?

So on this show How I Met Your Mother (CBS, Mondays 8:30/7:30 central) this woman Robin is a TV news reporter, but she does the stupid fluff pieces at the end of the show. Doogie (not playing Doogie, but that's how we all know him) plays a friend of hers who asks her to say stupid and/or random things on her newscast in exchange for money. She's asked to say "booger" for $50. "Nipple" for $100. Etc.

Well my friends, I am in a similar spot. I found a posting on Craigslist that said "Got a blog? Want to earn money?" The deal is they give me a link and tell me to put it in my blog, and in exchange they pay me. My blog doesn't have to be about the link, it just has to be in there. Today's link? Go! Buy some flowers! You can thank me later for the kind response you'll receive from your girlfriend when she gets them.

Who knows what tomorrows link will be?! Oooooh! Mystery!

I live on the 8th floor. It's 11 at night. And yet I can hear people yelling on the streets.

The only conclusion I can come to is that the Sox have just won and are now on their way to the World Series.

Someone yelling, "Whoooooo! Sox baby!" settles it. It's 'cause of the Sox.

Huh? New It's All Relative? All right. If you say so.

Last night at work Dave takes a bottle of white dessert wine out of the cooler and holds it up to me. "What does this label say?" he asks, smiling.

I read the label with the word UCELUT on it. "Um...it says 'you slut'."

Dave and I crack up giggling. We are officially 12.

From the Chicago Journal (October 6th issue) police blotter:

"David Phillips, 38, of 524 W. 127th St., was arrested for theft on Sept. 22 at 5:45 p.m. on the 1200 block of South Ashland Avenue. According to the police reports, Jewel Foods' security allegedly observed Phillips place three bottles of Bacardi brand rum into his pants before walking past the last point of purchase without paying for said booze. The security officer held Phillips until responding officers could transport him to the 12th District. It's unknown whether the officers asked Phillips if he was happy to see them or just had three bottles of rum in his pants."

So two days ago I locked myself out of my apartment while doing laundry. And because I was just doing laundry in the basement I didn't have my wallet, phone, or keys with me. Great.

Then yesterday I lost my wallet. And after searching my apartment high and low to look for it I decided to go out and retrace my steps. And when I did that I forgot my phone. Amazing.

Is this how it happens? Is this how you slowly lose your mind? Am I going to be walking down the street in my bathrobe muttering "yogurt" in a few months. I hope not.

The other day I bought a bag of Doritos. The bag announced, "Now better tasting!"

I thought to myself, Better tasting how? Cheesier? Crunchier? Larger? "Now better tasting!" is the vaguest possible announcement.

They might as well just admit, "These new Doritos are different! ...We have no idea why."

Also, the new episode of It's All Relative is out. Go listen! Nicolas would want you to.

I've shared this before and I'll share it again...

Another month has ended. And that means that the site I use to keep tabs on my blog has a full months worth of statistics. The site shows how many people came, how long they stayed, what web browser they used, etc. But my favorite detail is what phrases they typed in to end up finding my blog. Here, a few of my favorites from September (and yes, all of these are 100% true):

passenger terminal world magazine
prison bitch -name
bush pukes on japanese
each others toenails
seinfeldtology
40 weddings and a funeral hosted by tori spelling
booze n jews chicago
whats yellow and goes slam
how to pronounce medjoo
kiwi strawberry snapple and bacardi

Why people search for these things, and why they think my site will help their search, I have no idea.