So remember my blog earlier in the month about how I was wearing an "Everyone Loves a Jewish Boy" t-shirt and spotted a girl wearing an "Everyone Loves a German Girl" t-shirt? Yeah, that was goodtimes.

Well now over at Jargon we have new piece proposing t-shirts that ring a little more true. So what are you waiting for?! Go! Check it out!

It's late at night and I walk into the kitchen to see a large spider hanging out on my windowsill. "Oh," I say, startled, "wow, you're big." The spider just stands there, stoic.

I contemplate killing him, but then remember that I'm trying to adapt a zen attitude towards bugs. They probably outnumber us human by like a billion to one so I'd like to stay on their good side.

I then think about putting him in a cup or box and taking him outside, but he'd probably misinterpret this gesture as an attempt to kill him and then he'd get pissed and bite me.

So I just stand in my kitchen, staring at the spider.

After a minute or so I announce, "Okay, here's the deal: I don't kill you, you don't come into my bed while I'm sleep and bite and kill me, okay? Okay."

I then decided to take a very long walk around the block so that spidey could go along his way without worrying about me.

It's a utopian society I'm trying to create in my apartment.

The other day I was listening to a news story on NPR about some drug bust and they identified that the drugs were found by "Rico, the drug sniffing dog."

"Why do they have to name him Rico?" Bernadette asked. "That's racist! I mean, why don't they just go and name him Hector! Or Jose!"

All I know is, if I had a drug sniffing dog I'd name him Pablo Escobar.

Remember the other day when I said that the new Mint Chocolate Chip Pop Tarts were kinda like Thin Mints gone wrong?

Well the other day I was grocery shopping I came across Thick Mints. That's right, Thick Mints. Mints with girth, people. Watch out!

I didn't think anyone would believe me unless I took a picture.

Can anyone else figure out why KFC is now using the Lynard Skynard song Sweet Home Alabama in their TV commercials? It's Sweet Home Alabama. They're Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Now I know that some people (i.e. me) think the south is all just one big chunk of people who drive pick-up trucks and use words like "y'all" and "reckon" (example: "Y'all goin' down to the general store?" "Well, since the wedding's only an hour away I reckon we better get a move on now."), but a large company that caters to that demographic with it's fried products shouldn't be so quick to slip-up.

So I think it's in KFC's best interest to either switch the name of their restaurant (Southern Fried Chicken!) or just find some song that actually has Kentucky in it. Maybe that one that references the Chattanooga Choo Choo. And something about track twenty-nine. I don't really know what they were talking about, I'm just guessing here.

There was a time when Pop-Tarts were a normal breakfast food. "What's this? Fruit filling? A nice flaky crust? Mmmm!"

Well those days are over my friends. They've now come out with Mint Chocolate Chip Pop Tarts. Besides the fact that they taste like Thin Mints gone bad, it's just plain wrong that they're trying to pass this off as breakfast food.

Then again, Cookie Crisp cereal has been around since 1971 and it's just a big bowl full of chocolate chip cookies for breakfast.

Kids, hold onto your cavities!

I'm bored today and contemplating my living choices.

Me: I'm moving to Alaska.
Alecia: Alaska?
Me: Yup.
Alecia: You've never even been out of the country and you're thinking about moving to Alaska?
Me: Alaska is part of the United States. Ratified in 1956, baby!

Alecia admits she was wrong (someone needs to retake geography!) and asks what's so special about Alaska.

Me: I'm just bored.
Alecia: And Alaska will cure that?
Me: Maybe. Maybe not. I'll never know 'til I go.

By the way, Alaska, if you want to steal that as the tagline of your tourism campaign, feel free. "Alaska: You'll Never Know 'Til You Go!"

Bernadette's 11-year-old brother is in town, visiting her for a few days. I meet up with the two of them for lunch yesterday, and while Bernadette is off getting food her brother and I get to talking.

Dustin: How are you today, Josh?
Me: Eh, I'm okay. A little hungover.
Dustin: (not sure what to say) Oh.
Me: Yeah, it's my own fault. Y'see Dustin, it's always a good idea to drink a couple big glasses of water before you go to bed when you've been drinking. I didn't do that last night.
(Dustin nods, a bit confused)
Me: Even if you're full, or tired, be sure to drink those glasses of water. You'll feel so much better the next morning. Totally worth it for the hangover.
Dustin: Um...okay.

Why I haven't been given my own educational childrens show on PBS, I have no idea.

I own a t-shirt I'm not particularly proud of. It's blue and says "Everybody Loves a Jewish Boy" on the front of it. It's comfortable, and it fits me well, but for the most part I feel weird wearing t-shirts with words on the front.

Yesterday I was walking down the street, wearing said t-shirt, when I saw a girl wearing a brown shirt that proclaimed, "Everybody Loves a German Girl".

It struck me that a German girl might not like a Jewish boy, and likewise, a Jewish boy might not particularly care for a German girl.

"Did you talk to her?" Nikki asked me at work, referring to the girl in the shirt. I shook my head, no. "She could have been your soul mate!" she scolded me.

"First off," I explained, "the whole 'soul mate' thing is a load of crap. And secondly, if she was my soul mate, she would have been a lot hotter."

So here's the deal:

I had a plant named Phil (he was a philodendron) who got a little too big for his britches so I decided to split him into two plants. Then, next thing I knew, I had two plants, Phil and Phyllis. And for a while things were great.

Well now, a few months later, Phyllis is no longer with us. Something about the split, or the transplant or...I don't know, but she just took it a little too hard. Of course, I feel bad leaving Phil alone all day while I'm gone, so yesterday I got a new plant. Her name is Maria (upon getting he home I crooned, "Maria! I just bought a plant named Maria!"). So hopefully the ecosystem of my apartment has returned to normal.

I'll keep you up to date on my thumb and it's greenness.