January has been a particularly good month here at Berg with Fries. And who do I owe it to? Well, mostly M&Ms.

So far this month over 1,100 people have ended up here because they searched for the M&Ms Valentines Day thing (mymms.com/vday) and I came up. So what am I going to do? I'm going to give back to you, the readers.

Just write me a 500 word essay about M&Ms and I'll send you a free bag of M&Ms. It doesn't have to be about Valentines Day M&Ms. It could be about why you think the blue ones taste different from the yellow ones. Or about the time you got one stuck up your nose when you were 11. Or maybe you could write me about how you used to have an M&M dispenser collection. Whatever you want. You just write 500 words and I'll send you a free bag of M&Ms. It's that easy and I'm not kidding.

Send your essay to MMEssay@bergwithfries.com along with the address where you want me to mail your bag of M&Ms.

The best essays will be posted here on Berg with Fries, plus you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you received free chocolate just for writing 500 words. But don't delay, I stop accepting essays February 14th. Get writing!

Yesterday I was at Home Depot picking up paint for my apartment. And while there, like always, I like to swing by the Oops! paint and see what they've got.

The Oops! paint is paint that was mixed wrong or someone didn't want, and so Home Depot sets it aside and sells it for $5 a gallon. Occasionally you can find some decent colors there.

But yesterday in the Oops! paint I saw this:

C'mon guys, lay off Adam.

The other day, Micah and I are in line for lunch. There's a small child in front of us, around age two, asking his mother for cheese on his sandwich.

"Does he even know what cheese is?" the mother's friend asks. I look down and shake my head at this poor woman

"Cheese! Cheese!" the child continues. "Fine, fine. You'll get cheese on your food," the mother says.

Micah looks at the child, then at me, and smiles. "Aww," he says, "it's like a young Josh."

"I'm an idiot," Bernadette informs me last night on the phone.

She's about to have a first date and she's nervous about calling the guy to set up a time. Possibly worse than having him answer, she tells me that she ended up getting his voicemail.

"I'm sure you're not an idiot," I assure her.

"I said I was easy in the voicemail," she says. "Easy?" I ask. "Easy," she repeats. "I said I was free anytime after five and I wasn't too picky about what we were going to do, and that I was easy."

I start to laugh.

"Not difficult," she yells at me. "I meant to say that I'm not difficult!"

"At least you didn't say, 'I'm easy. Oops! I mean flexible.' That would have been worse, right?" Bern just sighs.

If a girl told me she was easy I'd be more likely to call her back. No?

The other day I was reading a whole article in USA Today about how Gap, as a company, isn't really doing too well. In the article Paul Charron, former CEO of Liz Claiborn, says, "Over time, Gap has lost its original basis for differentiation of having high-quality basics at affordable prices. Everyone else provides basics. Many other people have very affordable prices. Everyone's got classics." Oh Gap, how you've fallen.

The whole thing made me think about a part in Douglas Coupland's book, Microserfs, a novel about a group of nerdy software programmers that leave Microsoft in the early 90's and start their own company. From page 268:

"It turns out that three of us visited the Gap independently of each other today, and when we found out, we goot spooked, and we analyzed the Gap, trying to make ourselves feel better about our vague mood of consumer victimization.

Susan says Gap is smart because they cut it both ways: "Kids in Armpit, Nebraska, go into a gap with pictures in their heads of Manhattan, Claudia Schiffer, and the Concorde, while kids in Manhattan go into the Gap with a pictures in their head of Armpit, Nebraska. So it's as though Gap clothesing puts you anywhere except where you actually are."

I figured that Gap clothing is what you wear if you want to appear like you're from nowhere; it's clothing that allows you to erase geographical differences and be just like everybody else.

We also figured that Gap clothing isn't about place, not is it about time, either. Not only does Gap clothing allow you to look like you're from nowhere in particular, it also allows you to look as though you're not particularly from the present either.

To break the trance that was forming, I shouted, "Gap check!" and everyone in the office had to guiltily 'fess up to the number of Gap garments currently being warn. Karla, the only Gap-free soul, for the remainder of the day wore the smug, victorious grin of one who has escaped the hungry jaw of bar-code industrialism. We Gap victims, on the other hand, fast-forwarded to an entirely McNuggetized world of dweeb-free, standardized consumable units."

The only thing better than running into an ex?

Running into an ex at noon after you've been drinking all morning and are wearing a fake mustache.

"Oh hi!" I exclaimed to her, looking like this:

Kami, my partner in drinking, chose to wear them as eyebrows.

Shame? I think I skipped that gene.

The other night at work there's several lone people hanging out by the entrance. A man is waiting for his date. Another person is waiting for three others. And a couple is waiting for another couple. We don't seat tables until the entire party has arrived and everyone is waiting for their others.

I walk up to Nicole and ask what's going on. "Everybody is incomplete," she tells me.

"Wow," I say, looking at her intensely. "That's deep."

A History of Overacting: The Career of Elisha Cuthbert:

2001-2006: Kim Bauer, 24
2003: Carol-Anne, Love Actually
2004: Danielle, The Girl Next Door
2005: Carly, House of Wax
2006: Lead Singer of Weeze, Weezer music video for 'Perfect Situation'

Keeping a New Years resolution is never easy. And while I have no idea how to help you keep your diet goals (Look at me! I try a new cheese store every week!), I can recommend a great site to help you keep your money issues in order.

Young and Broke is a great finance blog written by twenty-something Chicagoan, Amanda Gleason, and combines the wonderful off-the-cuff wit of your typical "The other day..." blogger with the super-smart money tips of Charles Schwab. What's not to like about that?

Checking account basics? Tax advice from H&R block? Car (and money) saving tips? Gleason has them all, and then some, which can be especially helpful for people in their twenties (myself included) who wouldn't know a Roth IRA from an index fund, but really should. And sure, you may not care about every entry (Me, personally? I have no interest in college grants), but sooner or later I guarentee you'll find a money tip that'll be useful in your daily life. And when that happens it's like your New Years resolution is practically solving itself.

Scene: The other day Katie is apologizing for getting drunk the night before.

Katie: I didn't say anything mean, did I?
Me: No, but you did get kinda bossy.
Katie: Bossy?
Me: (I fake despair) It was actually kinda rude. You can't just boss me around, Katie. I mean, I'm not an object.
Katie: Actually you are an object. (she nods, consolingly) And when I talk about you to other people I just refer to you as Meat.
Me: (exasperated) Meat?
Katie: Yup. People will ask what I'm up to later and I'll say, "Oh, I'm hanging out with Meat." (she pauses a moment and gets a pensive look on her face) It's ironic, your name is Meat and you have a blog where you write about cheese. Hmm.

Scene: Yesterday Kellie and I are walking down the street outside. It is freezing cold.

Kellie: It's freezing cold.
Me: Yeah, too bad you'd never even consider leaving Chicago.
Kellie: I know. And that makes me kind of sad and pathetic.
Me: Well you're a Cubs fan. You should be used to being sad and pathetic.

We walk a little further and the wind really hits us.

Kellie: Ugh! My face hurts.
Me: Not as much as it hurts to look at your face. (I hold my hand up for a high-five and in a falsetto voice announce:) What up?!
Kellie: (She keeps walking without looking at me and shakes her head.) You're such an idiot.

The other day, while searching online for this week's Berg with Cheese selection, I came across House of Glunz. Centerstage listed it under it's Chicago Cheese Shops so I figured it'd be exactly what I was looking for.

Yesterday afternoon I headed down to Old Town, only to discover that Houe of Glunz was a heckuva lot of wine, and very little cheese. I made the best of the situation and walked around the store a bit, grabbing a bottle of red. "I recommend that Antonia," the guy behind the counter said, noticing my selection. "But then again, my name is Antonio." I courtesy laughed and asked, "I heard you guys had a cheese section."

Antonio led me towards the back and pointed towards a small cooler with only a handful of cheeses. "That's our cheese section," he said. Not exactly what I had in mind, but when in Rome...

"What kind of cheeses do you usually like?" Antonio asked me, and I replied that I like everything from sharp cheddars to soft, stinky cheeses. "Bleu cheese?" he asked, and I nodded excitedly. He pulled out a big wedge of bleu made by Point Reyes over in California.

"You've gotta get this," he tells me excitedly, handing me the cheese. "Great flavor, very strong. My girlfriend and I got this last week and ate the entire thing in, like, an hour." I instantly imagine Antonio and his girlfriend, lying next to a roaring fire, feeding each other bleu cheese. Quickly, I push the image out of my head and tell Antonio I'll take the bleu.

I walk back into the main room to look for a second bottle of wine, perusing bottles that range from $10 to $200, and I notice a sign that says that the store has been around since 1888 - clearly they know their stuff, and the store has a look and feel that really conveys that.

The bleu was less than $10, and with the two bottles of red my tab came in just under $40. Add on the non-pretentious advice and recomendations I got from the staff and I can easily say I'll go back to Glunz before I go to Binny's the next time I need a bottle of wine and a good piece of cheese.

Ever wish that your life could be more like mine?

Well stop your wishing! The Josh Catalog is now available for browsing.

View the Josh Catalog here.

I've just started re-reading The Time Traveler's Wife, by Audrey Niffenegger.

The other night, while Googling around to see if I could find out any interesting facts/trivia about the book I came across a page someone had made, listing a timeline for all the events of the book in chronological order. For anyone know knows the book, this is no small feat.

For the timeline click here, though be warned: if you haven't read the book and plan to you probably shouldn't be clicking that link anytime soon.

In my first Chicago apartment the bathroom didn't have towel bars. Instead, there were big hooks on the north wall of the bathroom to hold our towels. Above each hook was a small metal label holder, the kind you find on the front of big, sturdy magazine boxes in order to properly indentify the contents of the box. You know, Scientific America, 1995. We had one above each hook. This way Micah and I could tell whose towel was whose by having our hooks labeled (not to mention for identification of the hooks being used by each and any of our houseguests and "houseguests").

Last night, while cleaning out an old box of things, I came across labels I had made up to slide into the holders above the hooks. Aside from "Micah" and "Josh" some of the labels I had made included:

"Secretly Likes Chevy Chase"
"One of Charlie's Angels"
"1/3 Jamaican"
"Kevin Bacon"
"Never Admits to Farting"
"Tapioca for Brains"
"Your Worst Nightmare!"
"Santa's Little Helper"
"Yo Mama!"
"Could Stand to Lose 5 lbs."
"Ran Out of Condoms Last Night"
"An Original Baywatch Cast Member"

Today I was hanging out at Joel's, reading his US Weekly when I came across an advertisement for a new birth control pill called YAZ. The wheels in my head immediately started turning. "It's called YAZ, Joel. YAZ!" Joel started laughing hysterically and I immediately scrolled down to Y in iTunes, clicking play on the song Situation, by the 80's band Yaz.

click the play button above. then, in a deep announcer voice imagine:

"YAZ is 99% effective at preventing pregnancy when taken as directed. YAZ also helps your hormone levels stay even! And YAZ is made with the unique hormone, drsp!

YAZ can also help give you shorter, lighter periods! YAZ can help regulate your cycle! And YAZ can reduce cramps!

So talk to your doctor about YAZ!"

...I can already imagine a woman sitting in a doctor's office in a white paper gown. "So, um, what did you think of their '82 album, Upstairs at Eric's?"

Last night Katie let me know that she planned on cleaning her place in preparation of me coming over for dinner.

Me: I feel honored.
Katie: You should. It's almost spic, but not yet span.
Me: Well span is the hard part. It's the spic that's easy.
Katie: Words to live by.
Me: I should stitch them on a pillow.
Katie: Hmm. Only if you show a picture of the pillow on your blog.

Oh, never challenge me.

So yesterday over 200 people ended up at bergwithfries.com because they searched for "mymms.com/vday". Evidently if you Google that phrase only 2 things come up and I'm first.

Shit.

Wednesday The Pressies (an annual award given out by weekly gay and lesbian newspaper, Chicago Free Press) came out. Nominees were announced, readers voted, and winners were declared. And just who won for best bartender here in Chicago? Why, none other than my brother, Micah.

"This was close, reflecting how seriously CFP readers take their bartenders," Chicago Free Press writes. "But the tall, dark and handsome guy - Micah at North End - edged out David at Sidetrack and Val and Cocktail to take home the best bartender Pressie."

And just what does Micah win? "A plaque," he tells me, "that I'm going to put behind my bar and light up so bright that you can't see anything else." Did I mention how humble is he, too?

Other awards included best website (MySpace.com), best neighborhood (Lakeview), and best local impersonator (Frida Lay). And what about Best Place for Women to Cruise? Home Depot. Nice.

Apparently M&M is trying to edge in on the candy heart business for Valentines Day.

Now available at their website (or just MyMMs.com/vday) you can write your own Valentines Day message on some M&Ms and give them to your sweetheart (or, I suppose, mistress).

But before you get too excited, M&M says, "Keep your messages fun and positive; refrain from using objectionable words and phrases. No obscenities...we don't want to leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth." I was worried that the message "BFF Muthafucka!" might come off as negative, even though the overall thought was postive. I.e. "We are best friends forever, and I'm so excited about that I'm going to use profanity." Maybe not.

Next: "Custom printed M&M'S Candies are for personal use only. No business names, product names, celebrity names, specific sports teams, major events, landmarks, names of schools or institutions. You're smart...use your creativity and work around these specifics." There goes my brilliant plan of making bergwithfries.com M&Ms and passing them out to my loyal readers. Or M&Ms with Barry White's name on them.

Damnit M&M, you ruin all my good ideas.

Yesterday I was recovering from a mild cold (or at least a runny nose) so taking the brown line up to Lincoln Square to check out a cheese store probably wasn't the smartest plan to fill up my free day.

But while Googling "Chicago Cheese" (Yes, I know, I need to plan my days off better) I came across a link to The Cheese Stands Alone, a local cheese store run by a married couple, Matt and Sarah Parker (one can only silently wish to themselves that her middle name is Jessica).

Upon entering the shop my heart immediately lept from my chest as I saw cheese curds behind the glass case. "You have curds," I said to the owner in awe. "I can't get curds anywhere!" He shrugged nonchalantly. "I have a guy from Wisconsin that comes down every few weeks." I was in heaven, and needless to say I instantly got a bag of them.

I also asked for some Crottin Perigord, which I told him I was probably butchering the pronunciation of. "Croteen," he said, correcting me. "Just talk like you're pretending to be Pepé Le Pew and you'll sound fine."

Finally I got a wedge of garlic brie by Bavaria-based Käserei Champignon - good stuff. Anything that can make your breath smell for days can't not taste good. It's a fact.

All that and less than $20 out of my wallet. Oh The Cheese Stands Alone, you haven't seen the last of me.

Word on the street (and by 'street' I mean 'Kellie') is that Gap is going to continue their PRODUCT (RED) campaign, regularly coming out with new slogans on their t-shirts. This got me thinking. The result? Rejected PROJECT (RED) t-shirts:

BAD TEMPE(RED)
SELF HAT(RED)
BATTERY POWE(RED)
DOG EA(RED)
BROAD SHOULDE(RED)
HEARING IMPA(RED)
TROUSE(RED)
CROSSB(RED)
UNENCUMBE(RED)
SALT CU(RED)

I first wrote about my hatred for the Sun-Times back in April of '04 when they started their "The Bright One" campaign. I said, "Maybe they're referring to last week when they ran a large picture of Nicholas Cage walking down the street because he was here in Chicago filming a movie, while the Tribune's front-page dealt with the 9/11 commission. Or perhaps last Sunday, when the Sun-Times' front-page story was on how many dogs (and what breeds) live in each zip code in Chicago, while the Tribune had a special report on the economy." Bright!

Then there was the time, during the '04 Senate races and the Jack Ryan scandal, that the front page of the Times had pictures of both Ryan and former Governor Jim Edgar with the headline, "RYAN: I told Edgar everything. EDGAR: No, he didn't." Now that's journalism!

And let's not forget my horoscope in the Sun-Times back in '05: "Love is on the rocks...but are we talking happy hour or stormy beach? For you, it could be either (or both) on any given day." Wha-?

Which brings me to today. In big letters (taller than an inch, people) the front page of the Sun-Times asks, "Is Al Gore right?" above a picture of the globe. Forget the years (decades, even) of research and data that went into Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, the paper phrases its headline in a way that sounds as if Al Gore might have been just making things up about the earth. But now that we've had a warm winter we may have reason to believe him.

The headline goes on: "Former Vice President Al Gore has been warning the nation about global warming. Is he on to something?" As if global warming might not be real. Next the Sun-Times will probably have a headline asking "Is Charles Darwin right?" Evolution you say? Oh that wacky Darwin may just be on to something!

Oh Sun-Times, you make my head hurt.

The always suave Matthew over at The Well Dressed Librarian has sent in his own graph detailing the heights of men he's dated.

In his email to me Matthew wrote, "I'm 6'2" - I guess I like short guys. Who knew?" Oh Matthew, you just like to tower over all the boys, don't you? Check the graph here.

Today they're installing new carpeting in the hallway outside my apartment. As a result I've been cooped up all day, unable to leave my apartment, bored out of my mind. The result? This photoset I like to call 'Stacked'.

I wonder what the new carpet outside my front door looks like.

Two TV shows I'd currently have in development if the world was anywhere near fair:

Crutch - Tuesdays, 9/8c on FOX. Anthony "Crutch" Crutchovsky is a San Francisco homicide detective who permanently breaks both his legs while chasing the famed San Fran serial killer, The Night Baccala, and falling from a fire escape. He doesn't catch The Night Baccala and his capture is an ongoing plot line in the show. After his accident Crutch is stuck with crutches forever, but they end up being an important part of the process in solving all his homicide cases. He also has a K-9 partner, Tripod, a three legged dog.

Crazy About Sauvignon - Thursdays, 8:30/7:30c on ABC. Alex Prescott gets fired from his sommelier job at the Four Seasons in New York after losing his sense of smell and is forced to move to Brooklyn and live with his construction worker brother. He gets a job at an old wine store called Tannens that's owned by a chain smoking old cat lady named Judy who's a bit rude but has a passion for wine and is willing to take Alex in and help him recover his sense of smell. Judy's daughter, Sauvignon, also helps out at the wine store and Alex quickly falls in love with her. Unfortunately Sauvignon is engaged to Edgar, a lawyer who owns the building and practices law above the wine shop.

Last week over at Where I Was From, Leah posted about getting a set of 34 Sharpies (all different colors) for Christmas. Cool? Oui.

But even cooler is what she ended up using them to do. Film at 11. The full story here.

The always sexy (in both looks and brains) Librarian Girl sent in a graph of her own the other day, entitled "What Types of Dudes Do I Date?" The graph is viewable here.

In her email to me she remarked, "I'm actually shocked that "hipster doofus" was so low."

We all are.

Yesterday Massimo and I were standing around talking about upcoming holidays in 2007, and how we both hate Valentines Day. "People in love make me sick," I said to him, and while I think he wanted to reply that he agreed, he got married only a few months ago and still can't say those kind of things yet.

"And what's the deal with Sweetest Day?" he asked. "Who created that?"

"I think Hallmark did, actually," I told him. (The real story here, but I wasn't too far off.)

We both sat and thought for a second and then I announced. "We should come up with our own holiday. And called it Awesomest Day."

"Awesomest Day?"

"Sure," I said, the wheels spinning in my head. "You can celebrate anyone you know who's awesome."

So far here's what we've got: Awesomest Day falls on the 13th of July every year, the customery tiding is, "Have an Awesome Awesomest Day, Dude!" and the mascot would be Edgar, the Awesomest Alligator. Below is a quick sketch of Edgar I made last night.

So start planning your Awesomest Day parties now. And feel free to offer any suggestions to make Awesomest Day even awesomer.

Last week I was having lunch with Kellie when she asked me if I'd heard about the issues with the trains.

"The issue's with the trains?" I asked.

She told me how someone had commited (or at least tried to, I'm not sure) suicide by jumping onto the tracks in front of a train, and for the rest of the day the schedules were messed up.

I let out a long sigh and tried to think of the least offensive way to say what I was thinking. "The thing is," I began, "if you're going to kill yourself, fine. Just don't mess with everyone else's commute."

I mean, it's just rude. Am I in the wrong here?

This morning I was checking my mail when - imagine my surprise, someone actually made a graph and sent it to me!

You can check out the graph by clicking here.

Unfortunately I have no idea who sent this to me. Please, identify yourself so I can give credit where credit is due for this amazing graph. And hopefully there will be more graphs to post later.

Yesterday I discovered some government website that supports making learning fun for children. My favorite part was the "Create a Graph!" section.

And what exactly did I make at the graph section? Behold, my pie chart detailing where/how I've met my dates*.

To make your own chart (it doesn't have to be about dating, but if it is I really would like it if you sent me a copy at bergwithfries@gmail.com), just check out Create a Graph.

The Tribune had a great article today citing dozens of online sites that are great resources for writers and wordophiles. Some of the best?

The Acronym Finder. Who knew there were 93 different meanings for CIA? Plus I found out that BANANA actually stands for "Build Absolutely Nothing Anywhere Near Anything." I have the feeling I'm going to be using that one a lot. ("You're going to build that house there?! I thought I told you BANANA!")

Lightweight Unicode Map/Picker. Ever have trouble typing out © or ä or even ǭǶǼDžƶ? This site makes it as easy as cut and copy. Oh, good ol' Ł (L with a line through it?).

Thinks.com. This site is a breeding ground for nerdy word puzzles like word searches, crosswords and codebreakers. My favorite section on the site is the palindromes (words spelled the same forwards and backwards). As a struggling amateur palindromer myself (my best to date is "Chicago: Toga Chic!") I can respect things like "Desserts I desire not, so long no lost one rise distressed," with the best of them.

Guide to Grammar and Writing. This site is about as word nerdy as it gets, and the section that diagrams sentences is it's shining star. Prepositional phrase modifying an adverb? Bring it on! As Gertrude Stein once said, "I really do not know that anything has ever been more exciting than diagramming sentences." (Yeah, okay, I stole that from the site.)

For more word awesomness check out the blog of the author of the Tribune article, Nathan Bierma.

The other day I got an email from iTunes telling me about the best music of 2006. It seperated the music into the usual genres, starting at the top with Best Alternative Albums, Best Rock Albums and Best Pop Albums. They move along through the other typical genres - Hip-Hop, Classical, Country.

And then, there at the very bottom (in this order) are Best Latin Album, Best Christian Album and Best Jazz Album. Seriously?! Jazz comes in last? Behind Latin and Christian? America, what the crap is going on?

Where's the love for Louis Armstrong? Where's the support for Miles Davis? Who is gonna give a shout out (and perhaps even mad props) for Ella Fitzgerald? Sadly, no one. Not when Jazz is thrown in after Latin and Christian music. When did this happen?

Sigh. If you need me I'll be on iTunes, downloading lots of jazz and hoping to make an impact in their sales. Click here if you want to do the same.

Today I'm starting a new section here at Berg with Fries. That section? You Oughta Know, a compilation of odd but noteworthy stories in Chicago history.

Today's entry? Click here to read The birth of the Chicago Public Library.

Let's just hope this section doesn't go the way of Berg with Cheese.

Kineda has this widget that can help you calculate your status in the blogosphere. That is, if you're the kind of person who buys into that. Which I'm completely not. *cough*

At Are You an A-List Blogebrity? you can type your blog address and be told just how cool for school you are.

And what about yours truly? Sigh.

If you need me I'll be hanging out by the pool with Tori Spelling and Kathy Griffin.

A few weeks ago Nikki got me involved in something I can best describe as a pyramid scheme using books instead of money. I send one of Nikki's friends a book and then tell six of my friends to send Nikki a book. Then the six of my friends forward the thing to six of their friends and I end up (ideally) getting 36 books.

Yesterday I got my first book in the mail. It was some sci-fi novel with a big, angry dragon on the cover and the words "Part of the blah blah series" on it.

Trying to pawn it off onto someone else I asked Becky, "You like fantasy books, right?" She took one horrified look at it and said, "Keep Terry Brooks away from me."

As a last resort, in attempt to better understand what I had recieved, I went to Terry Brooks' website, misleadingly titled The Wonderous Worlds of Terry Brooks. There I found a list of his novels, a giftshop, a list of upcoming events, and a poll section, where this months poll question is, "Are you a male or a female?" Thrilling!

I wonder if it's bad form to send a book back to the person with a little note saying, "Thanks, but no thanks." Does anyone know book pyramid etiquette?

This weekend my friend Brett got married.

This marks the beginning of the end for my carefree 20's. One of my best friends has gotten married. That's right, he's no longer just my friend Brett. He's my married friend Brett. And Corri's not his girlfriend anymore. She's his married wife. Some of my good friends are married. To each other. Do you see the where I'm going here?

At the wedding my toast came across just slightly (but only slightly) more upbeat. After a drink off with the bridesmaid I walked down the aisle with, I ambled up to the microphone.

"I was going to start off with a quote about love from Emily Dickenson," I told the crowd, their eyes looking at me but their stomachs anxious for their dinner. "But then I realized she was an agoraphobic who never got married, so maybe that wouldn't have been the smartest choice."

I went on to talk about how I'd known Brett since we were 10 and I'd met most of the women he'd dated, and I compared them to hitchhikers who were never quite going to the same place that he was. And then, I told them, he met Corri. And she was going to the same place.

And then I think I said something about being happy for them.

Because in truth I really am okay with Brett and Corri getting married. What worries me is the realization that if it can happen to close friends then it can happen to anyone - even me. It's like one of those Lifetime movies about the woman who marries the perfect guy but then 10 years later he just disappears and leaves her and her two children completely alone and in hundreds of thosands of dollars worth of debt. "I never thought it could happen to me," the woman says while she's telling her whole sob story to the detective in the movie (and that quote could probably be the title for the movie as well - I Never Thought it Could Happen to Me: The Susan Stroman Story).

I guess what I'm saying is that I'm getting older and I'll just have to be more careful from now on. If I don't pay attention I could end up married at any time.