My new favorite intro to a magazine article (from the Wired magazine article "Stars on Parade" by Rebecca Milzoff, March 2007):

Gregory Keller is standing in front of the Gourmet Garage, an upscale grocery in New York's West Village. "It's cheese!" he exclaims to no one in particular.

Bands That Never Made It. A List by Josh & Massimo

*The Tax Deductors
*The Sammy Davis Jr. Mints
*Frodo Goes Bowling
*The Melancholy Clowns
*Underwater Farts
*The Manchurian Cantaloupe
*Touch Your Toes, Grandma!
*Justice of the Piece
*The Honeymooners
*O.J.'s Knife

So my good friend Byron over at This Quarter Life Crisis also has a a card/stationary/button/t-shirt/design webstore called fivefoldink. Surely I've mentioned it before. Anywho, for some reason or another Byron has asked me to be a partner in his company (Honestly, I think it's because I ran into Stedman in an elevator once and he thinks I have an "in" with Oprah).

Whatever the reason, I'm now a big part of what's going on over at fivefoldink.com. We've recently redesigned the entire website and exciting new things are popping up weekly. The latest exciting new thing? Well I'm so glad you asked. My first card collection, titled the Relationship Aid collection, is up and it begs the question, "Do you think you have open lines of communication in your relationship?" The collection includes, "I Really Dig Your..." "Do You Think Maybe You Could..." "I Like It When You..." and "I Wish You Wouldn't..." All you have to do is check the boxes you want and return it to your sweetie. Being open and honest has never been so easy!

So what are you waiting for? Check out the Relationship Aid collection today.

So evidently I won a BOTDA today. That's Blog of the Day Award for all my readers who aren't acronym geeks. Or all you acronym geeks who think BOTDA stands for Brillouin Optical Time Domain Analysis. I know I confused the two all the time.

In any event, it's a honor to not even know I was nominated.

For some reason this happening on the morning of the Oscars seems fitting. I wonder if I'll get to go to a cool BOTDA after-party with Claire Danes and eat some fine Wolfgang Puck cooking.

...Probably only if I pull my Claire Danes cardboard cutout out of storage and pick up some Wolfgang Punk soup from the grocery store.

Sigh. It's lonely at the top.

My birthday was a few days ago. In preperation Nikki started putting out feelers.

"So what kind of cake do you like," she casually asked me. "Eh," I replied, "I don't really like cake."

"You don't like cake?" she asked incredulously. I shook my head. "Nope. You know I'm not a big sweets fan."

"But what about a cake for your birthday?"

"I never really got cake on my birthday." I thought for a moment. "You know what I'd really love? If someone got me a pizza. And put candles in it. That's be the best birthday cake ever. Or pie I guess. Pizza pie, that is." Oh, I crack myself up. Nikki just shook her head at me.

But low and behold, the next day when I came in I was greeted by the group walking towards me, holding open a pizza box with a cheese pizza inside and a birthday candle in the middle.

"You got me pizza with a candle?!" I exclaimed. "Seriously?! Pizza with a candle?! This is the greatest gift ever!"

And it kinda was.

While looking through my blog stats the other night I noticed the odd occurrance that I kept getting linked by random websites, but not links in terms of actual visits. No, links in terms of "people are linking to a picture on my site and putting it on their own." I did some more digging and found out it was the Tom Cruise ala Risky Business picture I took back in 2002 (the blog on that whole thing here). And then I dug deeper. As in, dozens of sites have my Risky Business picture on their site, deeper. An online men's clothing store has me up as their Underwear Collection picture. A Spanish movie blog has me up below a picture of Risky Business movie poster. And the picture appears on at least a dozen MySpace pages in the comments section.

"That's really odd," Kellie said, watching me discover all the sites that had up a picture of me in my underwear. Then she smiled and announced, "I have an idea..."

That's when she went to Google and image searched "risky business". And what came up as the very first result (ahead of REAL pictures of Tom Cruise in Risky Business?). Well, I'm guessing you can figure out the answer to that question.

I can see the excerpt from my obituary now. "Mr. Eisenberg truly rose to fame in his late 20's as an underwear model after a picture of him reenacting the famous scene from Risky Business became a web sensation."

...Or maybe it'll just say, "Mr. Eisenberg is survived only by his pet Goldfish, Ishmael." It's really one or the other.

Holy crap! I'm writing for Jargon again!

Read my latest, a review of BYOB Chicago (and a thinly veiled love letter to wine), here.

So Katie and I are life coaches, didn't you know? It's true. We've decided to coach the sport of life.

Our first clients (or "players" as we like to refer to them) are Harriet and Reggie, two slightly bad people who...well...the sidebar on their blog says it best:

After being sentenced to 319 hours of community service by a Cook County judge, Harriet and Reggie took the advice of their court advocate and sought out a life coach in the hope that it would convince the judge to lower their amount of community service. As part of their "therapy", their life coaches, Katie and Josh, thought it would be a good idea for them to write about their thoughts and feelings. These are those thoughts and feelings.

Go check out their blog, bad people. Just because they're required to write it doesn't mean you're required to read it. But it couldn't hurt.

Earlier today I was over at Micah's while he was making honey cornbread muffins. After stirring the mix with water I started licking the whisk.

"Don't do that," Micah said, "it's gonna expand in your stomach." "Sure it is," I reply.

Five minutes later I'm doubled over in the middle of his kitchen, clutching my stomach. "Dear god!" I scream, "the cornbread batter is expanding in my stomach! And I think it's right next to that watermellon seed I swallowed last summer that's just starting to grow!"

Overheard today on the bus:

Guy #1: Well what do you think of her?
Guy #2: I mean, I don't know if I find her whole deal attractive, but she's cute enough. Plus she likes fish, so...

Last night Katie and I discovered something truly awesome.

Karaoke Restaurant.

Located in a Korean neighborhood so far north that we needed our passports, this little place offers private karaoke rooms with drinks, a TV, and a remote control to select which songs you want to sing. Reminiscent of the tiny karaoke rooms seen in Lost in Translation (Why, oh why, didn't we sing "Brass in Pocket"?), it can accommodate two people, or a huge group of friends.

Katie and I went through all the hits. Ride Wit Me? Check! Sweet Caroline? Check! Night Fever? Check! My Humps? Check! Hollaback Girl? Double check! After two hours of singing our hearts (and souls!) out, a Korean guy stuck his head into our room in the middle of our rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" and awkwardly informed us, "Um, we actually have a two hour limit. We're going to have to ask you to finish up." "Oh," we said, looking away from a screen, a bit embarrassed. "We'll be out in a minute."

Sigh, we'd rather live in karaoke's world, than live without it on the near northside.

The most expensive items on the menu:

*Hardboiled faberge eggs.

*White stallion fillets.

*Unicorn tenderloins.

*Panda feet.

*Scrambled dinosaur eggs.

*Cobra in poison sauce.

*Spit-roasted bald eagle.

Katie, for unknown reasons, has given me props (mad props, some might suspect?).

In return (though not out of guilt), I want to turn you fine people onto her blog.

Her writing rides the fine line between comedy and tragedy (One or Two Won't Do is a fine example), a challenge we all know is not easy to accomplish. Well, unless of course your name is Shakespeare.

The Bard be damned, read the props here. Check out the whole blog here. And check out my place in the Who's Who here. Yup, I'm J.

Rejected phone numbers for Jenny:

867-5308
912-5937
704-1160
801-7026
385-9304

For several years Kellie has been calling me Yosh. It goes back to when I worked at Kit Kat and Felipe would pronounce Josh as Yosh. Somehow it stuck, despite Kel's lack of a Spanish accent.

The other day, while researching the nicknames President Bush has given out, I found out that the current White House chief of staff is named Josh Bolten. And Bush's nickname for him? You guessed it, Yosh. "And he's Jewish too," I told Kel.

For the rest of the day I kept breaking out my bad Dubya impression. "Yosh," I'd say, squinting and gesturing like the president, "tell me about this new healthcare deal. I don't get it. Help me out here, Yosh."

Kel also has me programmed in her phone as Hot Stuff. I can only hope that Bush hasn't programmed his Yosh in his phone likewise.

This year I'm sans Valentine for Valentine's Day. Which is fine.

But last year I was dating this girl and she gave me one of these cards on the big day. In retrospect, why would I let someone like that go?

I've got two new M&M Essay submissions to share with you today.

The first one comes from Allison who, in her email to me, wrote, "Here lies the crap I call my submission. Thank you." This essay has got to earn a special award for self-confidence. Regardless, read on.

Second, a submission from our good friend over at Pop Culture Librarian, Librarian Girl (What kind of cruel parents would name their child that? Email her and find out!). And just like her usual posts, her essay is sly and comical. Read it up.

Lastly, c'mon Mars Inc. (the company that owns M&M)! This all started out as fun and games, but seriously, why haven't you guys contacted me by now?

We all know Justin Timberlake is bringing sexy back. Five things I plan on bringing back:

*Giant tennis racket snow shoes.
*The expression "That's applesauce!"
*A pair of khakis from the gap that were a little too short in the leg, in exchange for store credit.
*The white man's overbite.
*Classic episodes of the 1990-1997 NBC sitcom Wings, thanks to the DVD boxed set I received for Hanukkah.

Today I bring you another installment from the M&M Essay contest. This time Tree writes to tell us, "My addiction is well known in my circle of friends, but to admit it to the outside world is a big step.The first of 12 I suppose..."

Read Tree's entire admission here.

Seven Plays I'm Seriously Considering Writing:

*Life After Day: The Final Days of Sandra Day O'Connor.
*Clomp!
*Do You Sleep? An Insomniac Love Story Musical Set to Lisa Loeb Songs.
*We Skipped the Light, Fandango: The Story of Fandango Jones, Amateur Cat Burglar.
*Iran Contra-diculous!
*Duran, Duran. An imagined meeting between Frank Duran, inventor of the spork, and Alexander T. Duran, British industry titan of the late 1800's.
*Montepulciano: The Wine That Exausted Mouths Around the World.

This weekend I'm in the south Loop dogsitting for Nikki. When I get to her place there's a note on her kitchen counter.

Hey Josh, it starts. I hope you don't get bitten or peed on (at least not by the dogs!). Thanks! xo Nikki

Oh Nikki, you know my sexual proclivities all too well.

I'm happy to bring you two new M&M essays today.

The first is from my old friend Courtney, a woman who has actually written a book. I'm honored that she would stoop from writing a book to writing an essay about M&Ms. But as you read her essay you'll be begin to understand why she's really doing it.

The second is from good ol' Byron from over at This Quarter Life Crisis. His is less desperate and more, um, scary. Read it here.

And remember people, only 7 days left 'til the February 14th deadline to get your essays in. I mean, do you want a free bag of M&Ms or not? Read the full details here.

For my latest installment of Berg with Cheese I decided to stop into a local cheese shop, Pastoral, a store I've lived a few blocks from for years but had never bothered to go into. Oh, how I wish I had those years back.

You know that crazy uncle you have who knows everything there is to know about ball bearings? Or the best friend who knows every stat from every season of the Cubs? Well that's what the staff at Pastoral is like, except with cheese. "What's this one like?" I would ask, in turn getting a two minute summary. "Um, what about this one?" I said, pointing to another. And again, without hesitation, an excellent description and background on the cheese. These people knew their cheeses! As if that weren't enough, they handed out samples the way President Bush hands out nicknames. "Have some of this," they'd say, cutting off a small slice. Even cheeses I wasn't looking at. "This is good," they'd say, cutting something up, "try it." Was this a cheese shop or heaven? I couldn't tell!

While there I ended up getting some St Marcellin, a really great soft French cheese, sold wrapped in leaves. Very soft and stinky. Tre magnifique! I also ended up getting a wonderful bleu cheese called Blue d'Auvergne, which was also made in France. And unlike my previous bleu cheese purchase (the Point Reyes bleu I had gotten from House of Glunz) it wasn't overwhelmingly strong so I could eat more than a bite or two at once. Perfect for those there's-nothing-else-in-the-house-so-I-guess-I'm-gonna-have-to-have-cheese-
and-crackers-for-dinner kind of nights.

Most amazing of all, my entire purchase was under $10. Tre magnifique, indeed.

The first submission from the M&M Essay Contest is now up here. And it's better than anything you shmoes have sent in! ...Mostly because you shmoes haven't sent anything in yet.

Seriously people, it's a free bag of M&Ms! If that doesn't do it then what will it take?

Yesterday my good pal Massimo started a music review blog called Review Mirror.

Well then why am I still here reading your blog, Josh? you're probably asking yourself. Good question.

Go check out Review Mirror now.

Realization #5: It's okay to flirt with someone and not ask them out.

Scene: It's Sunday morning and I'm buying the paper at Barnes & Noble.

Cute Girl Ringing Me Up Whose Nametag Says Sarah: Ooh, the paper is kinda ripped and mangled on the corner. Let me grab you another one.
Me: Oh, no. I don't mind.
CGRMUWNSS: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, it's better this way. It kinda looks like I tore through the paper.
CGRMUWNSS: (gives me a confused look) Tore through the paper?
Me: You know, like I can't wait to get to my news. I just have to tear through the paper to get to it.
CGRMUWNSS: (the confused look moves into amused) You're very serious about your news.
Me: I am.
CGRMUWNSS: I can tell.

She takes my money and gets my change and we smile at each other obviously, while at the same time seriously avoiding eye contact.

CGRMUWNSS: Enjoy your mangled news.
Me: I will.

See, now why would I want to spoil that by asking her out?

This month Chicago Magazine has a whole huge article called "Before They Were Famous" in which they talk about 17 famous Chicagoans and what their lives were like before they became, well, famous.

Evidently Jenny McCarthy wasn't a slut. And Harrison Ford ballroom danced. And then there was Harold Ramis, the man most people remember as Egon in Ghostbusters.

"It looks just like you!" someone commented, bringing the article into work. "It doesn't look that much like me," I said, dragging my feet a bit. "Oh, yes it does!" they replied.

Sigh. You be the judge.

A month or two ago Absolut introduced their newest flavor, Pear. Really?

So the other night at work we came up with a list of Absolut flavors that didn't make the cut. Maybe next year.

Absolut Beef Jerky
Absolut Snot
Absolut Butter Substitute
Absolut Snails
Absolut Foie Gras
Absolut Gym Socks
Absolut Asparagus
Absolut Baba Ganoush
Absolut Ranch Dressing
Absolut Bloomin' Onion

This morning Micah texted me: "Happy Groundhog Day!"

My reply? "Didn't you text me that yesterday?"

Songs That Should Never Be On the Playlist at a Wedding Reception:

I Want to Break Free
The Thrill is Gone
Use Me
What's Love Got to Do With It?
Love Hurts
Tempted