Behold: Day 3 of Guest Blogger Week! Today Byron shares his thoughts on Paris Hilton, Lucky Charms, and officer "Friendly" (hint: he's not so friendly).

When I heard that Paris Hilton was going to prison, I was in line at the post office waiting to get these fantastic new stamps I found out they had. This girl in front of me was on her pink Razor cell phone, and just like when a mom drops a baby and gasps in horror, the pink Razor girl does the same gasp. "Oh. My. God. She is not! Oh, she...she just can't...she's society's staple. Paris Hilton can not do prison. It won't happen!" For ten more minutes of standing in line, Pink Razor is practically in tears reminiscing about Paris in one outfit and then Paris in another outfit and then how Paris totally pulled of earrings that no one could ever pull off. For the next ten minutes in line I smiled, thinking about Paris Hilton in prison and...Lucky Charms cereal.

Let me explain. When I was a kid I worried a lot. I'd like to think I brought OCD in to fashion-you know, before OCD became a tag line for someone who was a nut and OCD actually meant a medical condition you should feel sorry for. Anyway, I worried a lot. Like, I worried about our house running out of water. I worried that our dog could stop breathing in the middle of the night and no one would even know. I worried about losing my keys, and I didn't even have more than one. But I also worried about going to prison.

Not that I did anything wrong or would ever do anything wrong. But all it took was this one time...someone threatened me with prison. Remember Deputy Friendly? Did you have that as a kid? He was the guy, a cop, that would come in and be all "Don't do drugs!" or "Be nice to your teachers." Or "Don't wipe boogers on others." He was a do gooder. A nice guy, with a badge to prove it. Well, he came to our fifth grade classroom to talk about being honest.

"Kids, have you ever told a lie?" He scanned the room looking for guilty faces. He was more like a drill sergeant for this lecture than he was friendly.

Everyone nodded no.

"You're lying right now! I know you've all told lies! And that's not good. Not good at all! And let me tell you something, kids, lies lead to things. Lies lead to bad report cards, then to losing friends, and then to stealing. And lies...well lies can even lead you to prison."

My worrying head let me stomach drop. Lies...lies could lead you to prison? Wait, so when I told my mom that I wasn't wearing her lipstick the other day when I locked the door to the bathroom...and lied...I...I could go to prison for wearing lipstick?

"And let me tell you kids. They don't serve you Lucky Charms in prison!"

We all gasped. Lucky Charms. I mean, come on. You don't fuck with a kids Lucky Charms.

Poor Paris Hilton. Not only will she not wear her Gucci shoes in prison...she won't have Lucky Charms...or even vote for what new marshmallow will be in the mix. And that...that is the true crime.