This morning at Argo I'm paying with my debit card and the woman is having difficulty swiping my card.

"Sorry, this card reader can be pretty sensitive sometimes," she says.

I nod in understanding. "I know what you mean," I say, "I have friends who can be like that sometimes too."

Last night I was over at the house of friends and they were about to start making dinner.

Jackie: Are you staying for dinner?
Me: I don't know.
Jackie: Well how can we find out?
(pause)
Jackie: Maybe you should call your mom and ask permission.

(I curl my middle fingers, extending my pinky and thumb to make a hand phone. I put it to my ear.)

Me: Hey Mom?....Yeah, it's me....Yeah, is it okay if I stay over at Jackie and J.D.'s for dinner?.....Uh huh....Yes, Mom.....Yes, I finished all my homework already.....Yes, Mom! Gosh!

(Jackie waves in my direction, signifying that she wants to talk to my mom. I fake hand the phone to her and she extends her pinky and thumb, making a hand phone.)

Jackie: Hiiii Mrs. Eisenberg.....Yes, it's totally okay if Josh stays for dinner.....Uh huh.....No, I know.......We won't get him home too late.

(She extends her hand back to me.)

Jackie: She wants to talk to you again.

(I take the hand phone back.)

Me: Yes?......Okay......No, I will......Gosh, Mom, I will.....Okay....(whispering) I love you too.

Then I hung up and we had dinner.

P.T. Anderson: Award winning writer and director or muppet? You be the judge!

*ring ring!*
Me: Hello?
Micah: I have a question.
Me: Go.
Micah: That movie with Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman where -
Me: Gattaca.
Micah: Yup.
Me: Alright.
Micah: Bye.
click!

Last night I went to visit Kami at work. "I've come up with a new game," she informs me. "When I start a tab, rather than entering names in the computer based on what it says on a customers credit card, I'm just coming up with funny names for them on my own."

I scan the bar and notice two women sitting a few seats down from me. One has red hair that's been pulled back in a ponytail, wire rim glasses, is wearing a white cable knit sweater, and is a few pounds overweight. The other has shoulder length brown hair worn down, thick black glasses, and is also wearing a sweater, only hers has a hood on it.

"What about those two?" I ask. She smiles and says, "Harry Potter's ex-girlfriends."

Roles I'd like to see Christian Bale in (if only so he could relax a little):

- Video store clerk named Dave
- Adam Sandler's sidekick in upcoming Adam Sandler movie
- Jonas Salk
- Villain in Ocean's 14
- Himself in HBO First Look: Behind the Scenes of Ocean's 14

The other night Christy and I were playing the childhood game of, "If you died right now, what would you give me in your will."

Christy: I want your MacBook.
Me: I don't know about that.
Christy: How about your stereo?
Me: I don't have a stereo.
Christy: Then what about your iPod accessories?
Me: I have headphones and a thing to strap it to my arm when I go running.
Christy: That's it?
Me: That's it.
Christy: I have an iPod hat.
Me: An iPod hat?
Christy: Yeah, I plug my iPod into it and there are speakers in the ears so I don't have to bother with headphones.
Me: That sounds dangerous.
Christy: It's not dangerous.
Me: What if you're in the rain when you're wearing it. You could get electrocuted!
Christy: Well I don't wear it in the rain.
Me: Well maybe it's sunny when you leave the house wearing it, but then you get caught in the rain.
Christy: Am I also drinking a piña colada?

The gayest names a gay couple could name their twin babies:

- Jack and Karen
- Jetsom and Flotsome
- Ace and Gary
- Dolce and Gabbana
- Rue and Paul

The other night I was hanging out with Byron. His brother called.

"Have you seen Hannah Montana's veneers?" he asks. "You haven't? They look great!" He pauses for another second. "On Perez Hilton.com!" he says. "Perez," he ennunciates. "P-E-R-E-Z. You don't read it?" Pause. "You really should." Pause. "For me it's, like, six times daily." Another pause. "Anyway, her teeth look great. Hannah Montana's movin' up."

It's hard to believe they're both gay.

Is anyone else completely disturbed by this:

Robots Learn to Lie.

Seriously. Not cool, robots.

"Christians just aren't funny," Lizze declares the other day as we're walking down Sheridan. "I agree," I tell her. "I mean, there's The Big Book of Jewish Humor, but there's no Big Book of Christian Humor."

"Jesus wasn't really that funny either," she says. I nod in agreement. "Moses on the other hand...he seems like he could tell a joke."

"Poor Jesus," I say. "I could just imagine him at a party saying 'Did you hear the one about the penguin who bought a new hat?' and everyone would go 'Yeah, yeah, that's great Jesus. Could you just do that whole water into wine thing now? Thanks.' "

According to an article on Slashdot yesterday, Microsoft is developing technology so that you can type in your grocery list on a website at home, go to the store, swipe a card on your cart, have your shopping list show up on a screen on your cart and then (deep gasp of air!) you also get to see list-relevant ads show up on the cart screen.

And why is that better than just bringing a list with me to the store? No seriously, I'm asking.

This week Amelie Gillette (writer of The Hater, from The Onion's A.V. Club) comments on the ridiculously unrealistic teen speak in films and television shows, dwelling mostly on Juno (she's right, no one in real life would ever use the expression "Honest to blog?"), but sharing some of the wealth with Dawson's Creek and Gossip Girl. One of her best bon mots may be:

When I was a high-school freshman watching My So-Called Life, I had no problem with the believability of the dialogue. In watching the show, I never once thought, "I'm a teenager, and I don't talk like that." (Though I did, on more than one occasion, question the superfluous number of baggy plaid dresses Angela seemed to own.)

My hypothesis: Angela bought them in bulk. What other answer is there?

The other day someone pointed out that my feed wasn't working correctly. "For how long?" I asked. They said since September.

September?! Why didn't any of you say anything?!

"I didn't want you make you feel bad," my friend thought. Having a broken feed is like having spinach in your teeth. You may feel "whoops!" about it at first, but it's better to know that to not know.

Seriously, people. If I can't depend on you, who can I depend on?

This morning Nik and I were at a coffee shop and a CD was skipping at random places, making the same song skip and loop at random parts, causing it to play repeatedly for more than half an hour.

"This is like a möbius strip of a song," Nik commented.

I thought for a second. "If I had a strip club I'd call it The Möbius Strip."

"Would the dancers just repeat the same moves over and over?" she asked. I nodded. "I believe they would."

Somehow Christy and I got on the topic of cab drivers the other day.

"I don't like to chit-chat with them," I said. "I've had enough weird experiences with cab drivers to know better."

"That just sounds kind of snobby," Christy said. "Like you're too good for them."

I sigh. "I'm not too good for them. I just...there's no need for conversation."

"You do think that you're too good for them. Like they're your chauffeur or something."

"Well," I pause for effect. "Technically their job is to drive me from point A to point B, and I do pay them for this service, so really...yeah, they are my chauffeur."

Would a "Snap!" be out of line?

Last night I had a dream that Barack Obama moved in across the hall from me.

So one morning he came over for breakfast and I said, "I'm going to go out to get some orange juice, Barack. Do you want anything?" "Oh, don't bother," he replied. "I have some of those 'from concentrate' cans in my freezer. I'll bring one over."

So Barack went across the hall and came back a minute later with a frozen can of Tropicana. "This stuff is the shiznit," he said, handing me the can.

I shook my head at him and tisked. "Barack," I said, "when you say things like that you make me not want to vote for you."

For the longest time Will Smith made songs to go along with his movies (Men in Black, Wild Wild West, Hitch, etc).

So I thought, what would be some of Will Smith's more recent hits, had he continued to do hip-hop songs to accompany his movies?

• In Hot Pursuit (of Our Dreams) feat. Ne Yo and T.I. [from The Pursuit of Happiness, and sampled from Stevie Wonder's You Haven't Done Nothing]

• Legendary! feat. Cee-Lo [from I Am Legend]

• Robo Boogie feat. Sisqo and Jadakiss [from I, Robot, and sampled from Stevie Wonder's Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours]

• Butterfly Floatin' n' Bee Stingin' - feat. André 3000 [from Ali, and sampled from Stevie Wonder's Another Star]

Today, on my last day in the South Loop, I felt the need to share a great (and real) sign at the Roosevelt Red Line stop, two blocks from where I'm dog sitting.

Evidently the left is where you go if you're a person, handicapped, or a dinosaur.

The other day I was listening to Sound Opinions on NPR. On the show they had the brother/sister duo The Fiery Furnaces, and Matthew (the brother of the two) was explaining why it was a good idea to start a band with a sibling.

"When you're in a band with friends, you think - at some point you think - why am I hanging out with this...why am I calling this idiot on the phone?" Matthew said. "Even if you like them to some extent. But, you're meant to call your sister up on the phone at some point, so you never ask that question, really. (pause) Does that make any sense?"

"No. It doesn't, actually," the host said.

"You're stuck with your relatives, you know? So it's harder to quit," Matthew tried to explain. "Where as, I love to quit things, personally. So I would always quit bands. But how are you gonna quit your siblings? You're always going to have to deal with them to some extent, so it seems harder to quit them then. (pause) You persevere a little more."

Personally, I'm a quitter too, so I agree with Matthew. Maybe that means I need to start a band with Micah.

Or I'm just screwed for life. Either way.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm in the south loop dog sitting this week. While walking down Wabash yesterday I noticed this sign.

Sad, but true.

It's a Saturday night, and I'm sitting on the sofa. It's one hour before ABC broadcasts both the Republican and Democrat Presidential debates. Obama. Romney. They'll all be there! Presidential dreams could be made or broken tonight.

...And all I can think is, "During the intro I really hope that they play Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting by Elton John."

Just for a few seconds.

For almost a week I've been dog sitting in the south loop.

One of the things I really enjoy about dog sitting for other people is the food. I get to eat other peoples food, and I love it.

A lot of the time it's stuff I wouldn't normally buy or eat, and there it sits, just waiting to be taken. "It's kind of like visiting another country," I explained to Bernadette the other night on the phone, chomping on some Pringles as I talked. "I get to taste interesting and foreign cuisine that I'm not used to sampling."

I mean, when else am I going to eat Entenmann's Pop'ems? Really.

This morning the New York Times' front page article below the fold is addressing the Presidential candidates' lack of sleep, and how it may be hurting their campaign.

"We had 300 people outside, literally freezing to death," Senator Hilary Rodham Clinton marveled on Tuesday before a crowd in Iowa City. (No deaths were reported, in fact.)

"I won't remember Iowans," Mitt Romney declared in Altoona the other day before his wife, Ann, corrected him. (He meant that he would "never forget" Iowans.)

Mike Huckabee offered his "apologies" last week over the killing of former Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto of Pakistan. (He meant "sympathies," his campaign clarified.)

Seriously, guys, get some sleep. We won't miss you for a few extra hours.

Similarly, maybe David Blaine should just run for President. It looks like he's already ahead of the candidates in one way.

Oh, I see how it is.

They can make this show about cavemen based on the Geico commercial, but they can't make my brilliant idea for a sitcom? Whatever.