The other night, while out drinking, Jessica begins critiquing the presidents as we're putting down money to pay for our drinks.

"Jackson is just so ugly," she says, sneering at the bill. "He's not ugly," I rebut, but Jessica looks at me disapprovingly and says, "Oh, he's ugly." "But look at that hair," I say. "And that was before they had any product." She tilts her head from side to side, not agreeing but not denying. Then she sets a five next to the twenty.

At this I offer: "At least Jackson is better looking than Lincoln." Jessica shakes her head. "No way, man. Lincoln is hot. And besides, he was all "To hell with slavery!" and went out getting shot down like a gangsta!"

"Like a gangsta?" I ask. Jessica nods. "You mean like Tupac?" I ask. She nods again. "Exactly. That's why all the ladies love him."