From Dear Diary by Lesley Arfin, one of the new books I’m reviewing this month for UR Chicago:
When I was in middle school, if you did not own a brand new Il Bisonte pocketbook on the very first day of school, then you were basically doomed to be a loser 4ever. BTW, “pocketbook” is the best word. I’m going to startd a band called Pocketbook.
Ah, a girl after my band-naming heart.
In another part of the book Arfin recalls a horrible party she went to in the 6th grade:
About five girls with thick eyebrows and clear braces cornered me. They told me in the nicest way to go home because everyone hated me and I wasn’t wanted there. It was hard enough to muster the courage to go at all, but I had this pride thing going on where I wanted to show my ex-friends that I couldn’t be controlled, sort of like Bush trying to get rid of terrorism.

Today Byron and I are having a Boys from Jupiter meeting and I mention that I know someone who is interested in us designing wedding invitations for him.
“That’s cool,” Byron says. I tell Byron that since it’s in the planning stages he’d like a quote from us.
Byron pauses, looking like he’s deep in thought. “You mean like, a love quote, or a relationship quote, or…”
“Byron,” I say, looking at him like he’s crazy, “he wants a pricing quote on how much it will cost for us to do the invitations.”
“Oh,” Byron says. “Well that makes more sense.”

Cop Buddy Movies That Were Never Made:
-Cripple & Snoops
-2 Jews & a Gun!
-License to Carry a Nightstick
-Stop! I Just Shot You!
-Racist & Racister
-Hotheadz
-Helf & The Heeb

Two Jews, Lizze and I, discussing the finer points of fake names.
Lizze: I don’t like his friends. They’re all like, Jewey McJew.
Me: The sole fact that you used “Mc” makes them sound not Jewish.
Lizze: (sigh) Fine, how about Jewey Jewstein?
Me: Much better!

Byron and I design a lot of websites, but one of our favorite clients are the women that run Lovely Bakeshop over on Milwaukee. We refer to them as the Lovely Girls.
Yesterday the four of us were hanging out at the shop, and Gina was telling us about a friend of hers who has also hired us to do their site. “She’s a dancer,” she says, “and she totally has an awesome dancer’s body.”
I sigh and share my wish that just once, somewhere in the world, somebody would say, “He’s a web designer, and he totally has an awesome web designer’s body.”
But really, who would that person be?

Last night I met a tranny in a gay bar.
“You look smart,” she told me. “It’s the glasses,” I replied.
We talked a bit more. “You also look straight,” she told me. “It’s the glasses,” I replied.

Evidently the glasses say a lot.

Last night was the first “attack” by Chicago Guerrilla Gardening, my latest in a long line of rambling projects. In case you’re unfamiliar with the concept, we go in at night, quickly root around, clean up and plant, and then take off before anyone is the wiser.
“This whole gardening project is kind of like your dating life,” a female friend of mine commented. “You’re afraid to commit. But you have no problem spending a chunk of time and energy devoting yourself to someone completely, if you can leave them and not have to deal with them later.” I looked at her, a bit hurt. “That’s…not completely true,” I eeked out. Guerrilla Gardening as dating? Interesting.
Regardless, you can read all about the first attack here, as well as view all of our photos of the “attack” (which are also included below).

Last night I discovered my new favorite show, Flight of the Conchords, on HBO.
The show is about these two New Zelanders living in New York, and they end up breaking into song several times over the course of each show. And I think we all know how I feel about impromptu singing.
At one point, after meeting a woman at a party, Jermaine sings, “Lookin’ at the room, I can tell that you, are the most beautiful girl in the room. And when you’re on the street, depending on the street, I bet you’re definitely in the top three good looking girls on the street.” He goes on to serenade the girl with, “You’re so beautiful, you could be a part-time model. But you’d probably still have to keep your normal job.”
View clips from the show here. Or just look below where I’ve posted the Robots video.

Reggie, the guy I’m a life coach for, has just written an article about dating for Jargon Chicago.
Who needs a drink?

Oh, I forgot to mention. My latest string of book reviews are out in UR magazine. They’re given me a page in the magazine all to myself this time.
Check out the site or pick up a copy from your local UR vending box today.