 | Abigail - My anthropologist friend from University of Chicago, Abigail told me that all anthropologists secretly wish that they were Indiana Jones. She and I also rewrote the history of the world, and invented a Milo & Otis drinking game, so that's gotta count for something. |
 | Allen - While never actually in the blog itself, you probably know Allen from the comments. He also has his own anti-religion in government blog, Fuck Your God (not to be confused with the ABC Family channel orignal movie, Fuck Your God). |
 | Bernadette - After a brief relationship that went nowhere but in circles, Bernadette and I became best friends and lived together for a few years, sharing dogs and (for a horrible brief period) a razor. Bernadette has shopped in bulk for toothpaste, messed with my doormen, and questioned my knowledge of women. She also gets a kick out of asses and ears. Needless to say, both care deeply for the less fortunate. And in her spare time Bern furthers her addiction to Starbucks. |
 | Brett - My guest blogger back in May of 2004, Brett has had a short yet prestigious history in my blog, including going on a National Review cruise, appearing on MSNBC and questioning my lifestyle choices. He got married in December of '06 and for some reason let me give a toast at his wedding. We're still not sure how that happened. |
 | Byron - Proprietor of fivefoldink, Byron thinks women are fine, but sometimes he just doesn't get them. Byron also gets horrible tips and goes out for coffee with Marianne Murciano. Starfucker. |
 | Dan - My bartender-in-crime when I used to work at Kit Kat, Dan recently got married and got a dog (can a kid be that far behind?). Dan made sure I sampled all the martinis when I started at Kit Kat, and while women at the bar are always asking me, "Hey, what's the story with the other bartender, he's really cute," for one reason or another I was voted the more passionate lover. He's also a protein-aholic. |
 | Joel - My friend and hair stylist, Joel sends gross text messages, enjoys reading the classics (like 57 Varieties by H.J. Heinz), and imagines a world with talking clocks. But he cuts my hair, so I can't say anything too bad about him. |
 | Kami - The general manager at Kit Kat, Kami is secretly a gay man. I mean, she sleeps with men and goes to Little Jims. What more proof do you need? We both have shitty horoscopes, I say embarrasing things about beastiality and Twinkies in front of her, and we've been snubbed by the homeless. Plus we take really great photobooth pictures. |
 | Kate (Cosi Girl) - After moving to Chicago because a friend had an extra bedroom, Kate got a job at Cosi where she proceeded to never give me any food. She quickly climbed the ranks to shift manager of Cosi, which she immediately quit once she obtained. Meanwhile, she has gotten a fish, a dog, a blog and a Lexus. Say that five times fast! ...More recently, Kate moved to St. Louis, but still did a heckuva job in her feature film debut, Kissing on the Mouth. Plus she co-writes our semi-defunct pizza blog, A Slice of (Life and) Pizza. Oh, and she got married or something too. Yeah. |
 | Kayte - My friend the Asian Sensation, Kayte is a library circulation manager with OCD who recently changed her name from Kaytey. She went to high school with Zubair Ghias, makes me look stupid, and is also known as Kaytey from the Blog. |
 | Kelli - The former proprietor of Strawberry Mustard.com, Kelli lives in Florida, owns a bat named Tuppance, and is one crazy mo-fo (as if having a website called Strawberry Mustard.com and owning a bat isn't proof enough of that). |
 | Kellie (Kel) - After being unable to maintain a blog independently (it's carcass can still be found here), Kellie teamed up with yours truly to start Open to Being Closed Off. She loves scrapbooking, her box, and the French. She’s also coined such phrases as 'gangsta' and done everything from order a martini in a biker bar to suppose what political beliefs fruit would have. |
 | Kristine - In her 30's and still in school, Kristine is perpetually canceling with me so that she can write a paper. Though in all fairness, I'm always canceling on her because I have a hangover from the night before. She also likes using the word 'neckwear' and is the Dick Clark of the library. |
 | Leah - My boss when I worked at the library, she has convinced me I have GERD, started a 'poke' contest with me, and mistakenly replaced all the A's on the daily schedule with my name. We share a love of drinking and the real-time FOX show 24, as documented in the blog section, Love Letters to 24. More recently, Leah's gotten her own blog, Knitty Kitty. It's about knitting and cats in the same way that Charlie's Angels was about law enforcement. |
 | Maggie - A co-worker when I was at the library, Maggie and I discovered the cure for the common hiccups. Plus, she thinks I write mean things about her in my blog. |
 | Massimo - A co-worker of mine, Massimo and I are a big fan of lists. Our best include the combined band names and possible cell phone commercial songs. We also invented Awesomest Day. And when he's not busy being awesome himself he's writing a music review blog, Review Mirror, which is pretty awesome on its own. |
 | Micah - My brother, former roommate, and bar cupid. Micah is best known for performing Annie Lennox, stealing futons, getting drugged up on Valentine's Day, setting me up for bad jokes, and leaving washcloths hanging on the edge of the trashcan. Plus he paints his toenails, so whatareyagonnado?! |
 | Mican - Not to be confused with my brother, Mican is in charge of the Thorne Miniature Rooms at the Art Institute. She's previously dated the creator of the comic book, Hamster Man and it goes without saying that she enjoys playing with tiny furniture. |
 | Natalie - Added to the roll call by popular demand (and by 'popular demand', I mean 'threat of violence from Natalie' (example of threat #1, example of threat #2)), Natalie is a former bartender at Kit Kat, not to mention a snazzy dresser. She enjoys shots of Effen Black Cherry, text messaging, and busy work. I enjoy two out of those three things, and that makes us compatable enough for me. |
 | Nik - A friend from way back, Nik is now a high school english teacher (evidently children are our future). Together we've discovered how Emily Bronte sold out, and how confusing the word 'gangsta' is. She also has a blog, and she's a practically the next Dr. Ruth |
 | Paul (Helf) - Formally known as Paul, Helf is best known for his Emmy winning work on Helf & the Heeb. He also has issues setting his answering machine, and has a predisposition for saying, "Are ya' kiddin' me?" when he's in disbelief. Plus, just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in! |
 | Shane - The former bar manager at Kit Kat, Shane and I came up with the rough translation of Eisenberg to be Ice Cream Mountain. Also, York Peppermint Patties give Shane 'sensations', and he believes that all us straight people have is hope. |
 | Zubair Ghias - The Lincoln Park investment banker who got tired of his wife and instead of saying, "Honey, I'm going for a drive," took off, and when found claimed he was kidnapped by terrorists. I spotted him at the Home Depot on Halsted and Diversy. |
